


Lapen: A Steven And Lapis Adventure

by LapisDidNOTHINGwrong101



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Birth, Comedy, Crack, F/M, Garnet - Freeform, Impregnation, Jasper is a Libtard, Lapis Lazuli/Steven Universe - Freeform, Large Breasts, Love, Minnesota Vikings, Oral Sex, Pearl is a bitch, President Trump - Freeform, Revenge, Romance, Ruby/Sapphire are dirty, Sex, Swearing, Vaginal Sex, Violence, connie maheswaran - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:32:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 20,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21948112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LapisDidNOTHINGwrong101/pseuds/LapisDidNOTHINGwrong101
Summary: After finding out Connie cheated on him with the Minnesota Vikings Football Team, Steven goes to Lapis for help.  But what starts out as an act of revenge blossoms into something so much more. I don't own anything SU, Rebecca Sugar does.  Contains language, fighting, and some nudity/sex.
Relationships: Lapis Lazuli/Steven Universe
Comments: 31
Kudos: 21





	1. Chapter 1

A/N: I don't own Steven Universe or The Minnesota Vikings. Plus, Steven and Connie are 18 in this fanfic. P.S. I know the actual shipping name is "Lapiven", but I decided to use "Lapen" as a way of making my story stand out. I was also inspired by the "Love Boat Scandal" of The Vikings back in '05 so thats why they're antagonists. The following story is rated "M" so it contains material suited for adults. Anyway enjoy my fanfic! AU.

Lapen: A Lapis and Steven Adventure

A/N: This takes place after Sapphire and Ruby's wedding but the Diamonds don't invade.

Chapter 1: Heart break

Steven kicked open the door to the barn and startled Lapis, his crying was excessive.

"LAPIS!" Steven Cried.

"STEVEN WHAT'S WRONG?!" Lapis asked, very concerned for Steven's well-being.

Steven wiped the tears and snot off w/ a handkerchief, ran over to Lapis and told her everything.

"Lapis…(sniff) I went to work out at the gym (sniff) when I went to the showers I found Connie… Connie… Connie…" Steven stuttered.

"What about Connie Steven? You can always tell me anything." Lapis reassured Steven.

Tears started to well up in Stevens eyes.

"CONNIE CHEATED ON ME W/ THE ENTIRE MINNESOTA VIKINGS FOOTBALL TEAM!" Steven cried out.

"Oh no Steven…" Lapis lamented.

"SHE WAS WITH THEM ALL NAKED AND GRANTING THEM ACCESS TO ALL HER HOLES WHILE COVERING HER NICE, INDIAN BODY IN A COAT OF MAN JUICE AS SHE LAPPED IT ALL UP LIKE A CAT DOES WITH MILK AND WHILE IT LOOKED KINDA HOT, I WAS STILL DATING HER BUT WHEN SHE SAW ME, SHE WAS ALL "I'm surprised it took you this long to figure out that I need a big man, not a chode man-child like yourself" SO SHE AND THE WHOLE MINNESOTA TEAM LAUGHED AT ME, IT WAS LIKE THAT VIKINGS BOAT PARTY SCANDAL ALL OVER AGAIN! THEN THE VIKINGS CONTINUED TO SHOOT THEIR ROPE LOADS ALL OVER CONNIE'S BREASTS, FACE, PUSSY AND…" (Steven stopped when he realized that Lapis had a shocked look on her face at how much graphic detail he had gone into) …sorry…but my point is(sniff) CONNIE BROKE MY HEART!" Steven then proceeded to cry into Lapis' shoulder.

Lapis then consoled Steven as his crying intensified.

"Steven, I'm so very sorry, Connie is a thot and total bitch for cheating on you w/ a shitty, perverted team like The Minnesota Vikings." Said Lapis.

"But what do I do now? She's always going to mock me for what happened." Steven Replied.

"Why don't you call her out for what she did?" Lapis suggested.

"I don't mean to sound sexist but she's a girl, and will play the victim card if I do." Steven answered.

"Oh." Was all Lapis could say to that.

"And as I was leaving I heard that Connie would be doing the same thing with the Vikings tomorrow night." Steven admitted.

"WAIT…Sorry but you said that Connie will be doing the same thing w/ The Vikings tomorrow night?" Lapis questioned.

"Yup (wipes away a tear) same time same place, also she'll be bringing sex toys like flesh-lights and strapons (pause) sorry I didn't wan't to startle you again." Steven admitted.

"No no no Steven it's not that." Lapis reassured Steve.

"Then what is it?" Steven asked, his sadness fading.

Lapis went and picked up a water-proof camera Peridot had given her. Steven was very intrigued.

"Steven, Connie may have broken your heart, but with this camera and the footage we will film tomorrow, Connie will regret the day she decided to gargle someone else's spooge that wasn't yours! NO ONE BREAKS MY STEVEN'S HEART AND GOES ON TO HAVE A SOLID PROLIFIC CAREER!" Lapis declared to Steven who was now filled w/ joy.

(Somewhere outside) "HEY! CAN YOU RETARDS KEEP IT DOWN?! I'M TRYING TO PLOT ON TAKING OVER THE FUCKING WORLD YOU CRACKERS!" Aquamarine yelled trying to sound all ghetto.

Steven was about to apologize when Lapis opened a barn window and verbally returned fire.

"OH SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU LIL' WAYNE TATTOO STEALIN', WIGGER GANGSTA WANNABE, KRILLIN-SIZED, CAN'T-GET-NO-GUY, TRYCICLE-RIDING, CIRCUS CLOWN, SNOT-NOSED CUNT!" Lapis dished out.

(To Aquamarine) "OOOOOHHH SHE ROASTED YOU GOOD!" Steven cheered.

"I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE USED MY GEM AS A TEAR DROP!" Aquamarine cried.

The burn was so bad, that Aquamarine ran off sobbing whilst leaving a trail of urine behind.

*Back at the barn*

"Lapis that was amazing!" Steven said w/ a smile on his face.

"Thanks Steven." Lapis responded.

Just then Steven's phone started to buzz, notifying him that he got a text message from Pearl telling him to come home.

"Sorry Lapis, but I gotta head home, or I'll catch Hell from Pearl." Steven said a little upset.

"Don't worry Steven, I need to get a few things ready for tomorrow anyway, Peridot and I will pick you up from School and we will follow Connie." Lapis admitted.

"Okay then." Steven replied as he was getting ready to leave.

"And Steven…" Lapis called out.

Steven stopped and turned around.

"Yes Lapis?" Steven asked.

Lapis walked over to Steven.

"Connie has done many bad things tonight but the worst thing she did, was hurt you." Lapis told Steven.

Just then, Lapis placed a 5-10 second kiss on his forehead, causing Steven to blush. Before he could say anything, Lapis told Steven "To keep the kiss between us."

Steven nodded dumbfoundedly.

"He-he Thanks!" Lapis laughed as she gave Steven a big bear hug to which Steven did the same.

The moment was ruined however, when Steven's phone buzzed again with a text from Pearl reading "RIGHT FUCKING NOW! – Pearl."

"Oh fuck…sorry Lapis I got to leave!" Steven said as he returned the favor by kissing Lapis on her left cheek.

(brief pause)

"SEE-YOU-TOMMORROW-I-LOVE-YOU-BYE-BYE!" Steven blurted out all at once as he rushed back home, hoping to not incur the Wrath of Pearl.

Lapis stood there, felt her cheek which Steven had just kissed, and smiled.

A/N: How will Steven and Lapis' plan play out? Tune in to find out! Also if you like the story so far please feel free to leave a review talking about what you enjoyed and what I can improve upon, thanks again!


	2. Retaliation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis and Steven's counter-attack!

A/N: Hey guys here's chapter 2, I know that Connie is supposed to be nice in the show but here, I decided to make her into a villain. Anyway this chapter does start off sad but it gets better right away.

Chapter 2: Retaliation

Steven woke up all sluggish from having to listen to Pearl bitching about curfew and shit. Amethyst was too busy stuffing her face to help and while Garnet would defend him from the white gem's bullshit, Sapphire and Ruby's marriage was on the rocks. And when Pearl was done yelling at Steven, he still had to contend with noises coming from Ruby and Sapphire's room. Sexually frustrated grunts, accusations of one partner under-performing and vice versa and to top it all off, drama-induced sobbing that kept Steven up until 1:30 in the morning. Steven begrudgingly showered off and got ready for school, he couldn't wait to graduate later.

________________________________________  
The day went by like a blur, a PAINFUL blur. Being the most popular girl in school, Connie and her friends would secretly torment Steven from History Class all the way to GYM. Constant snickering and middle-fingers caused Steven to have a very hard time focusing on his school work. He tried to tell the teachers but Connie and her BFFs would always act like little angels whenever he called them out. This only resulted in more humiliation for Steven, causing him to feel like total shit. As School let out, Steven was heading towards the exit only to be greeted by Connie and her friends. Steven tried to avoid them but Connie and her gang circled him like slutty wolves stalking a lone, rejected black sheep.

"Hey Steven, I know someone who would date you..." Connie taunted.

(sigh) "Who?" Steven asked.

"Yo' Momma!..… oh wait..… SHE'S DEAD! HAHAHAHAHA!" Connie laughed, followed by her friends.

Steven balled his fists while fighting the urge to cry. Not only did Connie mock Steven's deceased mother, but did it using a lame-ass, dead-pre-meme like a "Yo' Mamma" joke.

"Ah ah ah, no hitting girls STEEEEVEN!" Connie taunted while waving her finger. Then added, "Shame though, if she were alive, you'd have a date to PROM!" Connie and her skank gang laughed harder than before as she spat on Steven's face. (the spit also had gum)

"YOU'RE ALL LAUGHING NOW, BUT DON'T BE SURPRISED IF SHE STABS YOU IN THE BACK LIKE SHE DID TO ME!" Steven roared at Connie's friends. "And Connie…at least my Mom and I got along…..how are things between you and your Mom?" Steven taunted back.

Connie was now pissed off while her friends were in shock and awe.

"YOU LITTLE SHITLORD…..(looks at beeping digital watch and calms down) "Sorry Steven but my friends and I have some very important plans so, SAYONARA COCKSUCKER!" Connie laughed again as she and her troop followed her. Once his ex was gone, Steven went outside to wait for Lapis.

Despite the shitty blow Connie dealt, Steven needed to stay positive: He didn't want Lapis to see him all sad again.

________________________________________  
Literally 45 seconds later, Lapis pulled up in a van, she was wearing all black complete w/ a ski cap.

"Hey Steven hop in!" Said Lapis.

"Thanks Lapis!" Said Steven.

Steven got in and rode shotgun, Peridot was held in a Teletubbies baby car seat in the back row with Pumpkin buckled in next to her.

"THIS IS BULLSHIT: I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO RIDE IN A BABY CAR SEAT! WAAAAAAAA!" Peridot complained.

"PERIDOT SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME EXPLAIN OUR PLAN TO STEVEN!" Lapis snapped. (turns attention to Steven) "Sorry Steven, anyway your black clothing is located inside the compartment facing you. When we stop, you'll change and then we'll look through the Gym's poorly designed windows and record everything. Then we'll upload the footage to all major adult websites on the net. Once this happens, Connie's along with The Minnesota Vikings' careers will go down the drain like the shitty remains of a bad Taco Bell lunch. (brief awkward pause at that last part) anyhow… that's the plan. (to Steven) Any questions, Sweetie?" Lapis said with a bright smile.

(Another short, awkward pause)

"Yeah…uh…do you think dressing in black will keep us from getting spotted?" Steven asked.

"Well no, but Peridot and I brought some disguises." Lapis answered.

*Gym*

Lapis and Steven were dressed up like big green bushes and slowly made their way through the actual bushes to the gym window. From there they filmed the orgy before them, left when it ended, drove home and uploaded the content onto the web. Then they took screen-caps, printed them out, put them into big envelopes while wearing latex gloves, printed out some typed papers named "FOR CONNIE'S PARENTS" and pasted them onto said envelopes.

________________________________________  
*Maheswaran Residence*

Steven knew that Connie would be spending the night at a friend's house so he and Lapis got up early the next day, dropped the envelopes into the Maheswaran's mail chute, and waited by Connie's house. At 9:30 am, Connie entered her home, completely unaware of the Hell she was about to catch from her folks.

"CONNIE MAHESWARAN! WHAT IN THE UNHOLY MOTHER OF FUCK HAVE YOU DONE!?" Connie's Mother roared at her.

"M-M-M-MOM WHAT'S WRONG?!" Connie responded all scared.

"WHAT'S WRONG? WELL HOW ABOUT THIS?!" Connie's Dad spewed as he threw a bunch of printed, screen-capped photos at Connie which turned out to be of herself and her friends engaging in graphic sex w/ The Minnesota Vikings.

Connie eyes were bulging at the evidence presented before her. The websites ranged from PornHub to Brazzers and even Xhamster. Connie sank to her knees.

"Mom…Dad…I… I never knew…" Connie Stuttered.

"SHUT IT! YOU DRAGGED YOUR FATHER AND I THROUGH THE MUD…NAY…SHIT JUST SO YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS COULD HAVE AN ORGY W/ THE VIKINGS?!" Connie's mom roared while holding back tears.

"AND THE VIKINGS?! YOU KNOW WE'RE BEARS FANS, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU SLEEP WITH THE ENEMY?!" Connie's Dad demanded.

"MOM DAD LOOK WHAT…." Connie tried to explain.

"ENOUGH! OUR DAUGHTER WOULD NEVER SPREAD HER LEGS FOR DEGENERATES, ESPECIALLY THE VIKINGS!" Connie's Mom hollered with tears running down her cheeks. She then cried into her husband's shoulder as he comforted her. "OUR BABY…OUR ONCE INNOCENT…SWEET…BRILLIANT BABY…IS NOW A WHOOOOORE!" Connie's mother continued to cry.

"MOM, DAD, I'M SORRY, I'M A SEX ADDICT. HAD I KNOWN IT WOULD'VE LED TO THIS, I WOULD'VE GOTTEN HELP MUCH…" Connie tried to explain and apologize.

"WHAT'S DONE IS DONE, THE INTERNET NEVER FORGETS, AND YOU'RE NO LONGER OUR DAUGHTER, YOU'RE DISOWNED!" Connie's Dad roared.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Connie cried to the ceiling all sad with her fists up in the air.

________________________________________  
10 agonizing minutes later. (For Connie at least)

"WE NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" Connie's Parents yelled at the same time as their daughter started to walk down the main walkway of their house with two luggage bags.

"FINE, I'LL GO LIVE WITH THE VIKINGS AND THEY'LL BE MY SUGAR-DADDIES!" Connie yelled back trying to sound all confident while strutting away, only to trip on a crack and drop the bigger of her two bags which spilled and turned out to be filled with nothing but vibrators. (to which they all started to vibrate in unison) Every visible neighbor including her parents laughed at Connie. Getting back up, Connie grabbed her remaining bag and ran off crying. Her friends had also gotten kicked out so they ran with her as well.

To make matters worse, Connie had gotten a scholarship at Stanford University but due to her sexual antics, got rejected. Connie also got kicked out of school before she could finish her Senior Year.

(To Connie's Mom) "As bad as today was, at least we can start over." Said Connie's Dad.

"Way ahead of you." Connie's Mom replied seductively as she tore off her lab clothes to reveal she was wearing a black lace bra and see-through panties showing off her old yet still somewhat good looking milf figure.

Connie's absence made her Mom receptive to sex again so she and her husband started to plow each other whilst saying cheesy one-liners from Bollywood films in their native language. (broken that is) The rest of the parents whose daughters were in the same video with Connie all did the same.

After meeting up with the Former Vikings (they were all barred from the NFL for the sex-tape), Connie broke ties with her other friends, feeling that one of them betrayed her. Little did she know that it was Steven and Lapis the whole time.

________________________________________  
(Driving back from the Maheswaran residence)

"That was awesome, thanks Lapis!" Said Steven.

"No worries Steven!" Lapis replied as they high-fived.

"So now that Connie's future is ruined forever, how should we celebrate?" Asked Steven.

"Well since this was your battle, you get to pick." Answered Lapis.

After thinking it over, Steven made his decision.

________________________________________  
*Barn*

(Cue "Southern Nights" by Glen Campbell as Steven, Lapis, Peridot and Pumpkin enjoy a couple of KFC buckets w/ mashed potatoes, biscuits, green beans, Pepsi etc.)

As the music plays, Steven eats his original chicken, Lapis consumes her grilled chicken, Pumpkin devours his Extra Crispy chicken and Peridot enjoys her KFC kid's meal in her high-chair. (with Lapis feeding her like a baby complete w/ "Here comes the airplane") Peridot was resistant at first but warmed up to it, even going as far to say "Mmmmmm" and "YUMMY!" after each spoonful. Everything was all well and good as the song started to wrap up...until…..…

Barn door is kicked wide open.

"STEVEN "YOUR ASS IS GRASS" UNIVERSE!" Pearl roared as she burst in unannounced, she had a look of malice and murder in her eyes.

Steven, Lapis, Peridot and Pumpkin were shocked. So shocked that Peridot started crying for Lapis from her high-chair. Lapis then went over, picked up the scared little green gem and comforted her.

(to Peridot) "Shh shh shh it's okay, it's okay, Momma Lapi' is here, ssh ssh ssh (calms Peridot down) there, there good girl. (Turns attention to Pearl) What the Hell is going on? You almost broke down the door and scared Peri'!" Said Lapis as she held Peridot.

"SHUT IT YA' BIG DRIP!" Pearl snapped.

"You stole that insult from Sonic Adventure." Lapis countered.

"Who gives a flying fuck?! (Turns attention to Steven) You had dinner here without letting me know?!" Pearl spat.

"Actually I did let you know remember?!" Steven replied.

"Pfft yeah right, if you DID, I would've…...wait…" Pearl stopped.

________________________________________  
*Flashback*

Pearl is in her room; she is jilling off to a picture of Rose's face on a naked morbidly obese woman's body in Photoshop while Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On" plays in the background.

(Huffing like a fat cow in heat) "Rose…..yeah….." Pearl cooed.

(Knock, knock, knock) "Hey Pearl can I go have dinner with Lapis and possibly sleep ov…." Steven asked.

(Record scratch with Pearl getting startled like a teen about to be caught jerking it to questionable material) "DWWWWWAAAAA STEVEN?! I….UH…..OHHH….UM YEAH GO DO WHATEVER! JUST DON'T COME IN I'M UHHH…WORKING ON SOMETHING BUSY OR… SANTA WON'T… GIVE YOU ANY EASTER EGGS ON…HALLOWEEN YEAH…..YEAH THAT'S IT! HALLOWEEN …...IF YOU OPEN THAT GODDAMN FUCKING DOOR!" Pearl frantically answered while trying to sound intimidating.

(Awkward Pause) "Okay thanks!" Steven replied as he left.

"Ohhh…thank Ellen DeGeneres and the LGBT community." Pearl said as she gave a sigh of relief.

________________________________________  
*Flashback ends*

"Oh yeah now I remember… (notices everyone's cringe-reaction) …I was thinking out loud right?" Pearl asked.

"Unfortunately…..yeah." Lapis replied while covering Peridot's ears "Ear-muffs" style.

Just as Pearl was about to say something…

"And the abuse chickens went through at KFC happened AFTER Colonel Sanders passed away, so you can't attack him." Steven Pointed out.

Pearl was about to slap Steven right across his face when her phone went off. Amethyst had sent her a text asking for help to keep Ruby and Sapphire from murdering each other over accusations that one of them ate the last doughnut. (In reality, Amethyst was the one who ate said doughnut.)

"Gotta go..…be good…..Steven." Pearl Warned.

''Count on it." Steven replied, showing no fear.

And with that, Pearl left.

________________________________________  
*Later that night*

Steven and Lapis are sitting outside of the barn, looking up at the night sky.

"Say Lapis, thanks for everything." Said Steven.

"No worries." Lapis replied.

"Lapis…...there's something…serious…. that I've been meaning to tell you." Steven mentioned.

"Oh…what is it Steven?" Lapis asked very concerned.

"Well…even though we're friends, we've been through so much together especially after these last 2 days that…that…that…" Steven Stuttered.

"That what?" Lapis asked.

"…THAT I THINK WE SHOULD BE MORE THAN JUST FRIENDS." Steven blurted out.

"Oh…." Lapis replied, shocked at Steven's energy.

"…fuck….. (sigh).…I fucked it up.…FUCK!" Steven said sadly.

"Fucked what up?" Lapis questioned.

Lapis, you're beautiful, loyal, understanding, kind, awesome, laid back unlike that cunt-hole Pearl and just seeing you makes my heart feel warm ("That was fucking stupid!" Steven swore in his mind) and I wanted to start a relationship with you." Said Steven.

Lapis continued to stare at Steven.

(sigh) "But the way I just blurted it out was stupid and you probably see me as a creep now. Here, (hands Lapis a can of Mace that Pearl gave him to use if older men ever tried to touch his pee-pee) you can spray my eyes if you want, I won't think any less of you." Said Steven as he was accepting his fate.

Lapis didn't know what to think: she secretly felt the same way about Steven, was jealous of Connie dating him and wanted to make Connie suffer for breaking his heart. But she also knew that Pearl would never approve of their relationship. Then again, Pearl rarely approved of anything unless Rose was cool with it. After looking back and forth between Steven and the pepper spray, Lapis surprised Steven by dropping the can, walking up to him, and giving the 18-year-old a sweet, passionate kiss on the lips.

Upon breaking the kiss to breath, Steven asked "I love you Lapis but…. but what about Pearl? She'll kill us if…."

"FUCK PEARL." Lapis said as she continued to make out w/ Steven.

And thus, Lapis and Steven became a couple.

A/N: Wow things are heating up! Anyway I'll have the next chapter up sometime tomorrow, take care!


	3. A New Pet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot Discovers herself.

A/N: Hey Guys, so last time Steven and Lapis made out for the first time, what happens next? Stay tuned!

________________________________________  
Chapter 3: A New Pet

________________________________________  
Although Lapis and Steven made out, they decided to save sex for another time. So a few months later, Steven stopped by to say hello on his way to community college. As he made his way in, he noticed that Peridot was acting like an angsty teen ever since he and Lapis got all lovey-dovey.

"Hey Peridot, where's Lapis?" Steven Asked.

(Sigh) "She's in the back." Peridot said all moody.

"Thanks." Steven replied, ignoring Peridot's mood.

Upon reaching the end, Steven found Lapis facing the opposite direction, bent down w/ her lovely ass in the air. Seizing the opportunity, Steven walked over and surprised the blue gem by gently grabbing her rear end.

"OOOOOOOHHHH STEVEN!" Lapis squealed all excited.

"Morning babe!" Steven replied as he moved in for a kiss.

"Wait I got something even better." Lapis said seductively.

Now facing Steven, Lapis lifted the front of her dress up to reveal that she had gone commando.

Steven's face lit up as he had a perfect view of Lapis' bald, moist, perfect, and intoxicatingly beautiful landing strip.

"So…love what you see?" Lapis asked, still all seductive.

Steven bent down and French-kissed Lapis' Sacred Entrance, clitoris and all.

"I'll take that as a yes…OH FUCK YES STEVEN!" Lapis moaned.

Taking things further, Steven grabbed both of Lapis' ass-cheeks and pulled the blue gem closer to him as he went to town on Lapis' treasure trove.

"OH..OOOOOOOHHHHHHHH….FUCK!...DON'T STOP STEVEN, WHATEVER YOU DO FOR THE LOVE OF 90'S CARTOON NETWORK, DON'T FUCKING STOP! YES, YES…YES….. YEEEEEESSSSS!" Lapis screamed in ecstasy as her floodgate opened and filled Steven w/ the blue gem's sweet nectar.

"Mmmmmm…..enticing." Steven said all buzzed.

(blush)"Why thank you." Lapis replied while shuddering from the intense orgasm.

Steven got up and kissed her passionately.

"Wish I could stay but I gotta go to school, don't worry there's more where that came from when I get back!" Steven said as he kissed Lapis one last time.

"LATER BABE!" Steven waved as he headed for community college.

"LOOKING FORWARD TO IT!" Lapis waved back.

Unbeknownst to the lovers, Peridot had seen the whole thing and wanted some action as well. So when Lapis was facing the other way, Peridot walked over to the blue gem and smacked her ass, expecting to be given the same treatment Steven got earlier. Lapis responded by giving Peridot a huge, swollen, purple-ish black eye via water-fist.

________________________________________  
Upon walking up to the barn, Steven discovered Peridot holding a bag of frozen peas over her right eye.

"Peridot what happened?" Steven asked confused.

"I smacked Lapis' tush thinking I would be granted access to her water-hole like you did earlier, only to get a black eye and…...Steven… why are you glaring at me?" Peridot asked all scared.

While Steven blacked Peridot's other eye, she could still see somewhat through it. Due to her actions, Steven and Lapis dressed Peridot with a puppy-ears headband along with a puppy tail and had her sleep in a doghouse behind the barn, complete w/ a collar and leash.

"BAD DOG!" Lapis and Steven said at the same time before leaving.

Peridot was about to throw her headband and tail away.

"YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO SIT DOWN FOR A MONTH IF YOU THROW YOUR EARS AND TAIL AWAY, FURFAG!" Lapis yelled in a distance, causing the little green gem to put her accessories back on.

As Peridot fell into a deep sleep, she had a dream where she would only wear her dog ears and tail instead of clothing while acting like a dog. She also heard voices in her head.

"Peridot….is….furry." (x10) Said a strange voice.

(While sleeping)"No…..no….you..…Clods…..I'm no furry…I…I…was Peridot…..was?...no…I mean..…I..…ain't Peridot anymore..…no that… came out… wrong… Peridot is…..I'm a...…woof…...wait what….woof….what…woof….woof…...woof….WOOF….….WOOF!" Peridot talked in her sleep.

________________________________________  
As the sun rose up, Steven and Lapis each grabbed a rolled up newspaper and headed to Peridot's dog house. But upon arriving, Lapis and Steven's jaws dropped when they saw a naked Peridot save for her furry accessories, walking on all fours, acting like a puppy. Steven screamed with the joy and excitement of a little girl while Lapis was tripping over words like Pearl did when she saw Steven and Amethyst fuse for the first time complete with her going all "AH DOE-DOE-DOE-DOE-DOE-DOE!".

"SHE'S SO CUTE!" Steven squealed as he held Peridot while patting her head.

"But how did…?" Lapis asked confused.

"Woof…I'm..…woof….no….woof…longer….woof...Peridot….woof…..you…woof..…Clod.…woof." Peridot tried to explain against her will.

"Clod? Okay then, CLOD IT IS THEN! WE LOVE YOU CLOD!" said Steven as he hugged Peridot harder.

"Woof…..no…woof….that's…woof…not…woof…my…woof….oh….woof.…fuck.…woof.…it..…woof…..all…woof, woof, woof." Peridot woofed as she gave up.

"Steven I'm not sure if we can do this, she can be a pain yes but this would be treating her as sub-human." Said Lapis.

"PLEASE DON'T SEND CLOD TO PETA! THEY'RE A SCUMMY ORGANIZATION THAT WILL EUTHANISE HER ON THE SPOT! PLEASE LET'S KEEP HER, I PROMISE TO TAKE GOOD CARE OF HER! I PINKIE PROMISE!"Steven begged.

"Woof…NO…woof…PLEASE…woof…EUTHANIZE…woof…ME.…woof.…END….woof.…MY.…woof…SUFFERING…woof…I…woof…BEG…woof…OF….woof…YOU…woof…FOR.…woof….THE..…woof.….LOVE…woof…OF…..woof..…GOD…..woof….PLEASE…woof." Peridot pleaded.

"Well…..(see's Steven and Peridot's eyes go all cute and sad)…(sigh)…okay…we can keep her." Lapis said as she smiled.

"YAY THANK YOU!(20x)" Said Steven as he had a group hug w/ Lapis and Peridot (a.k.a. Clod)

"Hear that Clod? You get to live with us! WE LOVE YOU CLOD!" Steven said as he hugged "Clod" even tighter.

"Woof….Saint…..woof…Michael….woof…the…woof…Archangel…woof.….please…..woof….kill…woof...me….woof, woof, woof." Peridot begged.

________________________________________  
Despite weeks of training, (most of which involved potty training), Peridot still wasn't used to being a furry. Steven went out and bought Peridot a dog license that read "CLOD." Whenever Steven and Lapis took the green furry on a walk, people would stop just to pet her and call her cute.  
"Wow what a cute puppy!" Said a little boy.

"Woof…I'm…woof…no….woof….gem…woof…you….woof…no…woof…wait…woof." Peridot tried to explain.

"And it talks! That's so cool Steven!" The boy said all excited.

"Thanks!" Said Steven.

"What's her name?" Asked the boy's mother.

"Woof…..please…..woof…..help…woof…call…..woof….the…woof….psychiactric…woof…ward..…woof…my…woof…name…woof…is….woff….." Peridot kept begging.

"Her name is Clod." Lapis answered.

"What a beautiful name!" said the woman.

"Woof….god….woof….fucking…woof…dammit….woof." Peridot kept woofing.

"What breed is she?" Asked the boy's father who happened to be an armed cop.

"Woof...Officer…woof…please…woof…point…woof…your…woof…gun…woof…in…woof…my…...woof…mouth…woof…and…woof…pull…woof…the…woof…damn…woof…trigger…woof…please…woof…blow…woof…my…woof….brains….woof…out…woof….already….woof….please…woof...end…woof…it…woof…all…woof." Peridot continued to beg.

"She's a Green Bitch!" Steven happily declared.

"Green bitch you say? What a lovely dog: A Green Bitch named Clod! Take care!" Said the boy's father.

"Woof…Oh….woof….fuck….woof….my…woof….life…woof." Peridot lamented.

Peridot tried to shit like a normal dog despite the fact that Lapis and Steven needed to hold her tail up while she shat, and wipe her ass afterwards.

"Gee Clod, what are you eating? You don't crap like the other dogs do." Steven said all concerned. "I know let's go to the vet!" Said Steven.

Steven then took Peridot to the animal hospital. The original Nurse was on vacation so Connie's Mom filled in. Having kicked Connie out and already expecting her backup child, Connie's Mom's hormones were going crazy and as a result, she was very friendly today.

(Intense girly scream) "OHHHH WOOK AT DA WIDDLE PUPPY! WHO'S A GOOD GIRL? WHO'S A GOOD GIRL? WHO'S A GOOD GIRL WHO WON'T GO AROUND HAVING NAUGHTY PREMARITAL SEX WITH WASHOUT FOOTBALL TEAMS AND DRAG OUR PRECIOUS FAMILY NAME THROUGH THE SHIT BECAUSE OUR FORMER DAUGHTER IS A TOTAL LUSH WHO COULDN'T KEEP HER FUCKING LOOSE CUNT IN PLACE? (Becomes enraged) I NEVER WANT TO SEE CONNIE'S SLUTTY FACE EVER AGAIN YOU FUCKING HEAR ME?! NEVER, EVER, EVER, EV…..(regurgitates baby waste all over Peridot and calms down)...Sorry….pregnancy." Connie's Mom apologized.

(Covered in bile and baby waste) "Woof….place…woof….me….woof…in….woof….bio…woof…hazard….woof….container….…woof….the….woof….one….woof….with…woof…the…woof…deadly…..woof….used….woof…needles….….woof….please….woof." Peridot begged again.

________________________________________  
After the mess was cleaned up, Connie's Mom then told Steven that Peridot would need to wear diapers for the rest of the day. This only resulted in more people calling her cute and treating her like a sub-human dog.

"You look so cute in your little diaper Clod! How are feeling after our trip to the vet?" Steven asked.

"Woof…The..…woof…..remainder…woof...of….woof…my…..woof…..existence…woof….is….woof…one…woof…long…woof….sad…woof….ASPCA…..woof…..commercial…..woof….that…woof….won't…..woof….end….woof….until….woof…I…..woof…die….woof….how…woof…..the….woof….fuck….woof…..do…..woof…..you….woof….think….woof….I…woof…feel…..woof!?" The Green Furry woofed angrily.

"Must be hungry, let's go eat!" Said Steven.

________________________________________  
Back at the barn, Lapis and Steven got to eat at the table but when Peridot tried to sit in one of the chairs, the couple were all "No, No, NO Clod, this table is for people, here let's help get you set-up." So Peridot (Now Clod) had to eat kibble out of a puppy bowl that read "Clod", needless to say, it would be an acquired taste. Anytime Peridot tried to eat from the table, her masters would say "No, bad Clod! Bad, BAD CLOD!" which only made Peridot's already shitty day even more shitty.

As the day ended, Peridot (done wearing her diaper) sat in her doghouse and cried. (while woofing of course)

"Woof…I'm…woof…..a…woof…Furry…woof..…in…woof…HEAT…woof…with….woof…no….woof….lover…woof." Peridot mourned.

Hearing the sobs, Pumpkin arrived, licked and comforted the Green Furry Gem. As awful as today was, it was nice to have a friend.

(Sniff followed by a few giggles after being licked) "Woof…..Giggle…..woof..…thanks….woof….Pumpkin….woof….but..…woof.….what….woof….I….woof..…need..…woof….is…..woof" Peridot tried to explain.

Pumpkin then unsheathed a huge green pulsing phallus with two equally pulsing orbs underneath.

Peridot smiled, bent down and pointed her ass towards Pumpkin seductively.

*One pregnancy later*

Steven and Lapis went to check on Peridot, only to find that she had grown 8 additional breasts to feed her 10 puppies. (girls resembling Peridot and boys resembling Pumpkin) Having found love and started a family, Peridot didn't just come to terms but rather, was glad to be a Furry.

Steven and Lapis were very glad and kissed each other.

"My place tomorrow afternoon?" Steven Asked.

"Absolutely!" Replied Lapis.

A/N: So yeah even though there's some Lapen content, for the longest time I had this idea of making Peridot a furry and decided to include it in this chapter. The Hardest part was adding all the "...woof..." parts in between all the words but in the end I'm glad I did it. Anyway the next chapter will come out in a few hours so let me guys know what you think in the reviews. Have a nice day everyone!


	4. RUBY VS. SAPPHIRE: DEADLIEST OF SHITTY MARRIAGES

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rubu and Sapphire Need Help!

A/N: Originally I was going to involve a date between Lapis and Steven but after making a few jokes about Ruby and Sapphire's marriage so I decided to have Lapis and Steven try to fix their marriage. The following contains some violence and a dirty joke near the end just as a heads up. The date will be reserved for Chapter 5 and if I can't upload it today, then I will upload it by Monday. Enjoy!

________________________________________  
Chapter 4: SAPPHIRE VS. RUBY: DEADLIEST OF SHITTY MARRIAGES

*Steven's Room*

Amethyst was out binge-eating some fast food while Pearl was out fencing and trying to move on from Rose(the fencing was working, but moving on from Rose not so much). Steven was making out w/ Lapis as they knelt on his bed in his room to Journey's "Lights" right at the guitar solo part. (And yes this is the Steve Perry version) Steven had mastered the art of "breast massage" and Lapis was proof of that very fact. The cooing, rubbing sensitive body parts, and heart rate made the scene even more passionate. As Steven's tongue wrestled w/ Lapis', another type of "tongue wrestling" (way less pleasant mind you) had started in the downstairs kitchen between Ruby and Sapphire.

"THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T MAKE YOU CUM?!" Ruby questioned all pissed.

Her yell alone not only scared both Steven and Lapis, but also caused them to fall off of Steven's bed. After getting up with only a couple bruises, Lapis and Steven braced themselves for impact from the impending battle between Ruby and Sapphire.

________________________________________  
*Kitchen*

"WELL YOUR TOUCH IS ALL WRONG, NO FOREPLAY YOU GO STRAIGHT FOR THE VAG ALL THE FUCKING TIME AND NEVER ONCE GIVE MY LEGS ANY DAMN ATTENTION! PLUS, WHENEVER YOU CLIMAX, ITS ALL FIRE AND LAVA. DO YOU WANT TO START A FOREST FIRE?!" Sapphire spat.

"IF SEX WITH YOU TAKES LONGER THAN 20 MINUTES WHICH "SPOILER ALERT" IT DOES, THEN ONE OF US IS DOING SOMETHING WRONG AND WE BOTH KNOW ITS YOU! AND AT LEAST MY CUM ISN'T LIQUID NITROGEN BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT IT FEELS LIKE EATING OUT OF YOUR STENCH-TRENCH: LIKE YOUR CUM IS GONNA START A SECOND GODDAMN ICE AGE! AND MY TOUCH IS WRONG? YOUR CLIT IS SO ICY I ACTUALLY CUT MY TONGUE!" Ruby fired back.

"WELL AT LEAST MY CUM CAN STOP GLOBAL WARMING!" Sapphire replied.

"WHAT THE FUCK DOES GLOBAL WARMING HAVE TO DO WITH OUR SEX LIFE?! NOT TO MENTION YOU'RE SO COLD WE'D ALL BE DEAD CUZ YOU'D TURN THE PLANET INTO AN ICE-CUBE WITH YOUR BITCHINESS!" Ruby retorted.

"WHILE I CAN PREDICT THE FUTURE AND PROVIDE IMPORTANT INFO, YOU CAN'T EVEN PREDICT WHICH HORSE TO BET ON AT THE DERBY, WHICH STOCK TO INVEST IN OR BETTER YET, HOW LONG YOU'LL MAINTAIN YOUR RETAIL JOB BEFORE YOU LOSE IT TO THE MANAGER'S SON OR NEPHEW!" Sapphire snorted.

"THAT'S FUCKING IT!" Ruby roared as she lept at Sapphire, fists blazing. Sapphire tried to dodge but was too slow.

Ruby tried to strangle Sapphire's neck with one hand while punching her face with the other relentlessly.

"BET YOU DIDN'T EXPECT THIS IN YOUR FUTURE, YOU ONE-EYED BITCH?!" Ruby boasted as she continued to punch Sapphire's face.

Just then Sapphire used her left hand to try pulling herself free while using her right hand to claw at Ruby's face. Despite the blows, Sapphire got a lucky break when one of her nails cut across Ruby's left eyeball. Ruby let go as she screamed in pain w/ both hands covering her bleeding left eye. Sapphire delivered her own blows followed by a well-placed kick to her opponent's chest, causing Ruby to stumble back onto the counter, knocking several items everywhere.

"Truth be told, I "DID" see it but let's be honest, I didn't want you to gain the upper hand. Well, who's the One-Eyed Bitch NOW?" Sapphire taunted with a giggle.

"AT LEAST I'LL HAVE AN EYE!" Ruby retorted and she grabbed a nearby squeeze bottle of Hot Sauce and sprayed its contents right into Sapphire's huge eyeball.

The once confident Sapphire screamed bloody murder as she was blinded by the piping hot liquid. The pain was so great, it impaired Sapphire's ability to see into the future. Ruby then did a "bait" punch for Sapphire's head to trick her into blocking her face and leave her stomach open. Seizing the opportunity, Ruby used her knee to hit Sapphire in the gut. Now that Sapphire was on her knees clenching her stomach, Ruby grabbed an expired, month old French Bread loaf which even Amethyst wouldn't eat and used it to hit Sapphire right across her head. Breaking on impact, the old loaf still left a huge bruise on Sapphire's head, causing her to fall down. Deep inside, Ruby didn't want to see Sapphire like this, but she pushed her too fucking far.

"I DIDN'T WANT THIS… BUT ITS TOO FUCKING LATE NOW!" Ruby yelled.

As Ruby got behind Sapphire, she positioned her hands around Sapphire's head, about to perform a neck-snap…but she and Sapphire were both hit by a jet of water from Lapis, knocking both out.

________________________________________  
*Barn*

After recovering, Ruby and Sapphire sat on a couch in the barn facing opposite directions, Barry Manilow's "Can't Smile Without You" is playing in the background. Due to all the drama, differences and even the fight that took place, the feuding couple were considering a divorce.

(Turns off music) "Guys I know your marriage hasn't been working out and today didn't make things any better. But I have something that might help: (pulls out book) Here's the Kamasutra, it's the best book to use when you can't decide which position to use and it contains 245 choices. Plus, its designed to help improve your marriage!" Steven proclaimed.

"Alright…we'll try it." Ruby said hesitantly.

"Indeed." Was all Sapphire had to say.

As Steven gave the troubled couple the book, he was about to walk home w/ Ruby and Sapphire, when Lapis recommended Steven stay the night since this was "Ruby and Sapphire's night." Steven obliged.

"Say Steven, where did you get that book?" asked Lapis.

"I bought it online for us but seeing how Ruby and Sapphire's marriage is in the shitter, I decided to buy them a copy as well, the other should arrive in a week or so." Steven explained.

"Okay." Lapis replied.

*Ruby and Sapphire's room*

Both Sapphire and Ruby were sobbing while holding onto each other. 244 positions in and nothing, not even one climax.

"(Sniff)Wait…Sapphire there's one left." Said Ruby.

"NO, NOT….. THAT ONE!" Sapphire replied.

"Look we'll never know unless we try." Ruby explained.

"Well…if it'll save our marriage then…okay." Sapphire accepted hesitantly.

*Outside Steven's House*

Ruby and Sapphire's arguing was replaced w/ "MMMMmsssssss" and "OOOOHHHHHHHSSSSSS" and multiple "YES YES YEEEEEESSSSSSS!" along with "IT'S NOT GROSS IF IT COMES FROM YOU!"

________________________________________  
*Next Day Farm*

A/N: The following contains a gross joke.

"STEVEN, LAPIS YOU SAVED OUR MARRIAGE!" Ruby and Sapphire both said in perfect unison as they kissed Steven and Lapis' hands.

"Wow thanks!" Said Steven.

"Yeah thanks!" replied Lapis.

"While most of the positions failed miserably, there was one that saved us!" Ruby announced.

"That's awesome! Which position was it?" Steven asked, while trying to figure out where a foul stench was coming from. (Lapis was trying to figure it out as well.)

Unable to contain their excitement any longer, Ruby and Sapphire looked at each other, smile, look back to Steven and Lapis, then gave their answer in perfect unison: "ANILINGUS!"

(cue creepy music)

Steven and Lapis' thoughts stopped despite trying to maintain their smiles.

"Wait...out of...245 positions..." Steven trailed.

"Yeah it's a little weird at first but once you try it out, IT'S THE BEST THING EVER!" Ruby declared.

"Yup, plus our new favorite body part is the ANUS!" Sapphire added.

"So many aromas, textures and even TASTES! (sigh) Beautiful." Said Ruby with a smile.

"We even had time to do it before coming to thank you!" Sapphire admitted also with a smile.

Steven and Lapis still managed to smile despite their iris' shrinking to the size of a 12 pt. period at the end of a sentence on a word document, while looking at their hands the two small gems just kissed.

"And if any "accidents" happen well…" (Sapphire stopped and was joined by Ruby) "IT'S NOT GROSS IF ITS FROM YOUR LOVER!" Both said in unison as they French-kissed each other, small streaks of brown on their tongues. "WE'LL BE SEEING YA!" The pro-anal lovers said as Ruby carried her lover Sapphire home.

(Creepy music ends)

Needless to say, both Steven and Lapis frantically sterilized their hands.

________________________________________  
*Night time*

Taking full responsibility for what happened earlier Steven said "Well I guess after today, we won't be making out for a while…"

Lapis then lifted up her shirt, bra and then pulled Steven's head into her perfect rack, as he began to suck on Lapis' breasts.

"It's okay Steven, you saved a relationship, and minus the ass-to-mouth-part, all went well." Lapis said.

A/N: Damn what a fight! As promised, the next Chapter will involve Lapis and Steven going out on a really nice date. I'm going try to do a double post sometime soon. Let me know what you guys think in the reviews and thanks for your support!


	5. The Question

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven and Lapis have a night on the town while Connie works at a new job.

A/N: As promised, this chapter will mainly focus on Steven and Lapis' date. I had a blast writing this chapter and was going to wait until Monday to post it but due to its significance to the plot, I felt that it would make a great stopping point until Monday. (unless my schedule clears up so if it does I'll let you guys know) Anyway without further a dew, Steven and Lapis' date!

________________________________________  
Chapter 5: The Question.

*Empire City*

After dating for over a year and tired of "foreplay", Steven decided to take Lapis on a date in Empire City. From shopping, to sight-seeing, taking selfies, making wishes at the wishing fountain and even watching a live Bill Burr stand-up show where he destroys a feminist heckler, the date was phenomenal.

"Say Steven I don't mean to be rude but…..how are you able to afford all this?" Lapis asked, while trying to sound polite.

"Remember that episode "Mr. Greg" where my Dad won $10,000,000 so he, Pearl and I spent it all on a hotel? Turns out my Dad actual won $50,000,000 but rather than spend all of it, he only spent $10,000,000, kept $35,000,000 and gave me $5,000,000." Steven explained.

"WOW STEVEN! THAT'S AMAZING!" Said Lapis.

"Thanks but please keep this a secret, there's no telling what Sapphire, Ruby, Amethyst and Pearl would do if they found out." Cautioned Steven.

________________________________________  
*Steven's home*

Amethyst, Sapphire and Ruby are in the kitchen, opening letters when Amethyst opens up a huge, heavy bill. "Who has a $100.00 per month subscription to a website called "Pink-Haired BBW's in Need of a Triple-Bypass GONE WILD XXX" and all these other naughty fat girl sites?" Amethyst Questioned.

"SOME PEOPLE JUST HAVE A HARD TIME MOVING ON…. AMETHYST!" Pearl yelled defensively while sobbing behind her locked bedroom door as she blasted Simple Plan's "Untitled (How Could This Happen to Me)" in her room upstairs.

________________________________________  
*Empire City*

"I promise Steven." Said Lapis.

"Awesome! Because I've saved the best for last." Said Steven as he gave Lapis a quick but loving kiss. "Right this way!" Steven said holding onto Lapis' hand as he led her to their destination.

"Okay Steven…..WOOOO!" Lapis said as they rushed off.

Steven then took Lapis to a store where he bought her a beautiful red, strapless dress that complemented her rack figure and beauty, matching red lipstick, white necklace and even a pair of earrings. Steven wore a tuxedo, a top hat w/ his initials on it and a white cane w/ a mosquito in amber as the handle. (Jurassic Park reference)

After changing into said clothing, Steven ordered a Limousine that took him and Lapis to a bigger hotel than the one he, Greg and Pearl went to. Lapis secretly massaged Steven's groin the whole ride over as a way of saying thanks but stopped as they arrived, promising more later.

________________________________________  
*Restaraunt*

Upon arriving, the lovers got to eat awesome food at the top floor and got to drink French Champaign. Their dinner consisted of calamari and potato soup, appetizers, Peking Duck with green beans main course and Italian Oreo Ice Cream for dessert. The music was being played by the professionals you'd see at country clubs, palaces and even The Titanic. (minus the iceberg) Needless to say, Steven had the whole night in his pocket. (In a good way, not a bad one)

"Steven…I honestly don't know how I can ever thank you." Lapis admitted.

"Lapis it's okay: you've been there for me ever since that bird-beak-nosed whore Connie broke my heart and helped me teach her a lesson she'll wish she could forget but won't be able to. But also, when I blurted out my feelings and offered you to spray me, you dropped the can and accepted me as your lover. And that's why I'm presenting you the best gift right now." Steven said as he gets out of his chair, walks over to Lapis, gets on one knee and presents a box. As this all happens, Lapis is fighting to hold back her emotions. The whole room stops and looks at the two lovers.

"Lapis Lazuli of Homeworld: Will You Marry Me?" Steven proposed as he opened the box containing a smiling skull ring w/ lapis gems in the eyes and nose.

"YES STEVEN, OF COURSE I'LL MARRY YOU!" Lapis accepted as she was filled with joy and happiness.

The whole room burst into applause as the couple put their rings on and kissed.

________________________________________  
*Roof*

Steven starts playing Billy Joel's "New York State of Mind" on a grand Piano while Lapis is lying down on top of said piano holding a drink, smiling down at Steven as he plays. Here she shows him an ample amount of her beautiful, flawless cleavage. The Half-Gem also paid a local band to do the backup music. Despite not actually being in New York City, the song still goes very well with Empire City. Steven had been secretly practicing for a solid 2 weeks before the date. Plus, our hero also belts the notes out in a way that would impress Billy Joel himself.

"Cuz I'm in a…..Neeeeew Yoooorrrk…..State of….MIIIIHHHIIIIIIIND YEEEEAAAAAH YEEEAAAAAHHHH!" Steven Belted out like Billy Joel would as he pounded on the Piano keys.

It was a text book way to wrap up a perfect date…..until…

"HEY LAPIS!" Came a deep voice from the roof exit, and that voice happened to belong to Jasper. "Look I know you accepted Steven's proposal but like him I can also win you over with music! Here I even picked this one called "Poop in my Fingernails" By the Toilet Bowl Cleaners. (clears throat) "THERE'S POOP IN MY FINGER NAILS, POOP IN MY FINGER NAILS!..." Jasper repeated in a deep, whiny voice.

"SECURITY!" Lapis roared.

Several bodyguards came in and beat the ever-loving shit out of Jasper. (No pun intended)

"OW!…..LONG LIVE ANTIFA….OW!….WE ARE THE 99%...OW!….BLACK LIVES MATTER….OW!…FUR IS MURDER…OW!…...LOVE TRUMP'S HATE…OW!…..MJ NEVER TOUCHED ANY KIDDIES DOWNSTAIRS…..OW!…..KONY 2012…OW!…..HE WILL NOT DIVIDE US….OW...IT'S NOT FOOD IT'S VIOLENCE...OW!" Jasper tried to protest but kept getting beaten up by cops.

As mood-killing as Jasper's arrival was, seeing the Homeworld warrior getting beaten like a broken appliance was really, really funny, even causing both Steven and Lapis' sides to hurt from all the laughter.

After Jasper gets thrown out and barred from the Hotel, Lapis and Steven kiss under the moon. Lapis then whispered that she wanted to "finish the massage downstairs".

Before heading to the roof exit, Lapis needed to say something.

"Steven, you've made me the happiest gem-woman on Earth." Lapis said followed by a smile and a snort laugh.

"What's so funny?" Steve questioned, a little concerned.

"Oh don't worry it's just that… Connie could've had all this but she chose The Vikings!" Lapis Said w/ a laugh.

"Yeah she's a dumbfuck!" Steven laughing while relieved.

"Yup! I can't even fathom what shit-hole she crawled into now!" Lapis laughed even louder.

"PROBABLY DRESSED UP AS A GOAT AND MARRIED SOME SMELLY JIHADIST WHO SUCKS AT CALL OF DUTY!" Steven Joked.

Everyone at the hotel were laughing their asses off.

________________________________________  
*Strip Club*

Connie was doing a poll dance to that song "Sweet Cherrie Pie" in front of the former Minnesota Vikings since the whole team was kicked out for their sex tape w/ Connie. As the dance intensified, the only ones cheering for Connie was the washed out football team. Connie tossed her bra at "Viking Boat Scandal leader" Fred Smoot and flung her panties at "2nd in Command" Bryant McKinnie. Down to her stripper shoes, Connie upped her game and twirled around the pole faster than ever. She was on top of the world, until…

"BOOOOOOOOO!" Came a voice from the crowd.

The sudden "boo" caused Connie to lose her grip and fall flat on her face, breaking her nose, causing the whole former Viking's football team to gasp in perfect unison. As she got up, Connie pinched her nose shut and demanded to know who the heckler was.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU FUCKING FAGGOTS SAID THAT?!" Connie roared.

Just then, Amethyst made her way through the crowd.

"That "FAGGOT" would be me." Amethyst replied.

"YOUR LITTLE HECKLING DAMAGED MY BEAUTIFUL NOSE!" Yelled Connie.

"More of a beak than a nose if you ask me, and I thought Pearl's nose was a beak." Amethyst replied.

"SO IS THAT WHY YOU RUINED MY PERFECT POLE DANCE?!" Connie spat.

"Bitch no offence but your dance was shit." Amethyst fired back.

"YEAH RIGHT, LIKE YOU COULD DO ANY BETTER!" Connie challenged.

"Challenge accepted." Amethyst replied.

As Amethyst made her way to the pole, she shape-shifted into Connie but taller, bigger tits, huge ass but also included a futa dick, balls and to piss Connie off to no end, a much smaller, cuter nose. Upon dancing to Aerosmith's "Rag Doll", it didn't take long for the whole club (minus the former Viking players and Connie) to shower Amethyst's body with dozens upon dozens of $100 bills.

Bested and Humiliated, Connie collected her things, regrouped with The Former Minnesota Vikings, gave Amethyst the middle finger and swore revenge.

A/N: I was going to have the Connie scene be a separate chapter but it blended so well with this one that I decided to include it. I'm planning on making this story 12 chapters long and will be balancing my work between finishing the last two chapters while editing and uploading the others. That being said, I hope to finish the whole story within a week or two. Anyway let me know what your thoughts are in the reviews. Logging in and seeing that people are reading my story really makes me appreciate you guys and all the support you give. Chapters 6 – 10 are in post-production and will be finished later this week. I'll keep you guys posted and until then, rock on!


	6. Jasper's Hunt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jasper Picks the Wrong Bone

A/N: Hey guys here's chapter 6, it gets dark but ends on a high note. Enjoy the chapter!

________________________________________  
Chapter 6: Jasper's Hunt

Having recovered from her previous injures, Jasper stalked Steven and Lapis to the barn, only to find that they had left for a date. Not wanting to give up, Jasper decided to see if there was a way he could break-in. Sneaking behind the barn, Jasper was going to shape-shift into a present for Lapis and Steven to take inside, but felt a sharp pain in her right calf.

Jasper screamed and saw that it was in fact Peridot who was biting her. Using her right hand, she swatted Peridot away but started to feel weird.

"Whhhhaaaatt is….woof….oh….woof….fuck…woof….nooooooo…...WOOF!" Jasper said as she became a furry wolf.

"Woof, woof, woof!" ("You are not welcome here and as punishment, you are now a furry as well.") Peridot woofed, having fully embraced the way of the furry.

"BARK, BARK, BARK!" ("I'LL KILL YOU FIRST!") Jasper barked.

The two Furry Gems fought and while Peridot did well at first, she couldn't find a way to incapacitate her opponent. Jasper then threw sand into Peridot's eyes, bit onto her back and flung the green furry gem to the ground hard. As Jasper was moving in for the kill, she decided to have some "fun." Being a shapeshifter, Jasper grew a giant, barbed, wolf phallus powered by two fist-sized rocky-mountain oysters. Sensing the change in her opponent's demeanor and anatomy, Peridot tried to get back up but not before Japser pinned her to the ground near the pumpkin field. Jasper then spat into Peridots eyes, washing most of the sand out, so she could see what was about to happen. Her children watched under the barn and wanted to help, but knew that if they did, Jasper would kill them all to make Peridot receptive to sex again. It would be kinda like Connie's Mom being receptive to sex after Connie got disowned, only way more serious.

"yelp…..yelp..." ("….please…..don't…..") Peridot yelped, her eyes streaming w/ tears.

"BARK….BARK!" (I know you have kids and if you don't accept my gift…THEN I'LL EAT YOUR CHILDREN STARTING WITH YOUR RUNT AS YOU WATCH!...Or better yet…maybe I should MOLEST THEM? DO YOU WANT THAT?!") Jasper questioned sadistically.

"WOOF WOOF!" ("NO PLEASE ANYTHING BUT THAT!") Peridot pleaded.

"BARK BARK!" ("GOOD, NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP AND BARE MY PUPS!") Jasper Barked as his phallus grew erect w/ the help of his balls whilst flashing an evil, shit-eating grin.

Peridot closed her eyes and prayed that someone, anyone would save her from getting violated. Fortunately, help was on the way.

Unbeknownst to Jasper, Peridot or the pups, Pumpkin was returning from a night of hunting when he saw Jasper pin his mate Peridot to the ground. Knowing full well that he stood no chance in a head on fight w/ Jasper, Pumpkin knew he only had one shot to save Peridot and their puppies from the potential rapist. Pumpkin formed a vine-lasso and tried to toss the knot above Jasper's neck but instead it fell short and caught Jasper's balls, causing the would-be-rapist to yelp and blush in surprise.

Taking advantage of the situation, Pumpkin constricted his grip like an Anaconda, causing the gonads to swell and lose blood supply. Having Jasper by the balls, Pumpkin needed to make sure that the Furry Wolf would NEVER, have this power over his family ever again. And to do that, Pumpkin kept pulling and tightening his grip on Jasper's balls harder and harder each time, forcing Jasper off of Peridot and onto the ground. 4 additional vines wrapped around Jasper's legs, but the biggest vine was the one wrapped around Jasper's balls. The gonads that were once fist-sized, swelled to the size of basket balls and were now all purple. The She-Boy Wolf was now at the mercy of Pumpkin and was going to lose two very big, important things.

Jasper then begged while whimpering, his/her eyes filled with tears. "YELP, YELP, YELP…" ("….stop it…please…...stop….oh….oh…..OH IT FUCKING HURTS!…you're gonna….(Squeaky Voice)….GONNA...…!")  
________________________________________  
*Some Fancy Restaurant*

Steven uses a nut-cracker to crack open two walnuts while a Drag-Queen Diva without testicles sings a high-pitched Opera note as the song ends in the background.

"Here you go Lapis, sorry for the singer." Steven said as he handed the nut-meat to Lapis while holding one hand over his ear to drown out the noise.

"It's okay Steven, wouldn't mind some ACDC right about now." Said Lapis as she and Steven finished the walnuts while waiting for their steaks.

"Very true, (to Lapis Quietly,) I don't care if my voice would go higher, I'm never getting rid of my balls." Said Steven.

"Well that's awesome because (reaches under the table and gropes Steven's Balls causing Steven to yelp quietly) Steven's got the biggest, balls of them all." Lapis quietly cooed a line from ACDC's "I've Got Big Balls."

"Th….th…th…thanks Lapis, FUCKING A!" Steven replied all quiet while smiling and blushing.

________________________________________  
*Barn*

Having spent so much energy screaming over its crushed balls, Jasper realized that its once mighty phallus shrunk down, fell off, and disintegrated along with the crushed nuts, causing Pumpkin, the pups and even Peridot to laugh at the neutered villain. Overcome w/ grief, Jasper formed a shape-shifted dog-cone on her neck and ran/limped off crying, her tail in between its legs. Once Jasper fled, Pumpkin ran over to Peridot and they both kissed. Upon seeing their Mom and Dad reunited, the pups came out of their hiding place and joined their parents.

A/N: Yup, Pumpkin is a hero! Next chapter will be up later today or tomorrow. Thanks again!


	7. The Evil Plot/Preparations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aquamarine tries to gather the forces of evil as Steven and Lapis shop for their wedding.

A/N: I managed to come up with the 1st half of this chapter while battling writer's block. Despite the block, I'm glad at how this chapter turned out. Plus, the second part of this chapter has a very special guest.

________________________________________  
Chapter 7: The Evil "Plot"/Preparations

*White Castle Basement*

Still infuriated over the burn, Aquamarine contacted several enemies of StevenxLapis and held a meeting in the basement of a White Castle since she was friends with the manager. Connie, The Former Minnesota Vikings, Jasper(no longer a furry wolf after her last defeat), The Ruby Gang, Yellow Pearl, Blue Pearl and Bismuth were talking amongst themselves as Aquamarine was getting prepped.

Aquamarine is escorted by Topaz, gestures everyone to stop talking she gives her introduction speech. "Gems and humans, though we are all different, we have 2 common enemies…."

"Losing your testicles along with losing your penis?" Jasper said all sad.

"…no…what…what does….that….. have to do with…..?" Aquamarine questioned.

(One Recount of Chapter 6 via Jasper's point of view)

"…AND MY SEX DRIVE IS COMPLETELY GONE! I'LL NEVER EXPERIENCE ANOTHER WET DREAM EVER AGAIN!" Jasper mourned as she cried into Bismuth's comforting arms, the other villains sobbing as well aside from Aquamarine. (who was more shocked than sad)

Aquamarine tried to regain attention. "Wow…I mean that's sad and all…really sad…..but the real two common enemies are…"

"My unsupportive parents who kicked me out for being a whore?" Connie asked, also sad.

Aquamarine was getting slightly agitated. "Look…I don't need to know about you and your relationship with your parents…."

(One Recount of Connie's story and other stuff not covered already)

"…AND BECAUSE OF THE PATH I CHOSE… SEX IS THE ONLY CAREER FOR ME! I MADE THE SAME MISTAKE AS BELLE KNOX AND LAURENCE FISHBURNE'S DAUGHTER MONTANA!" Connie cried into the shoulders of the Former Vikings, who were also sad and started groping her.

Aquamarine started getting pissed off. "Connie… I'm sorry about you not knowing the consquences of becoming a whore…. but the two, common, enemies are…."

"Adultery and Scandals?" The Minnesota Vikings said all teary-eyed.

Aquamarine wanted to break something. "…..Guys….….this ISN'T why I called the Meet…"

(Vikings recount the Connie Sex tape and the double sex cruise incident)

"….AND BECAUSE WE GAVE INTO CARNAL PLEASURES…..SO MANY LIFE-LONG FANS SENT US HATE LETTERS…..HATE LETTERS!" Fred Smoot, Bryant McKinnie and the other former Vikings started crying as well, Connie was kissing their crotches trying to make them all feel better.

Aquamarine was seething. "….Can….We….FOCUS….On…The…Two….."

"Being individually weak and lacking of a loyal fan-base?" The Ruby gang cried in unison.

Aquamarine wanted to go Postal. "I.…don't…. CARE…!"

(Ruby Gang recounts their problems)

"NO ONE LOVES US!" They five of them fuse into a huge Ruby who lies on his belly, hitting and kicking the ground while crying like a baby.

Aquamarine popped a broken blood vessel in right her eye due to pent up rage. "AAAAAAAGHGH GUYS! THE TWO, GODDAMN, MOTHER-FUCKING, COMMON, ENEMIES ARE….!"

"The way Yellow Diamond and Blue Diamond treat us?" Yellow Pearl and Blue Pearl asked all sad.

Having far surpassed the level of rage her body was capable of handling, Aquamarine's right eye blew up causing the now little cyclops to fall on her back screaming at the top of her evil lungs. Topaz had to stuff rolls of tissue paper into her right eye-socket to stop the massive bleeding, and put an eyepatch over her right socket to cover the wound. As a result, she couldn't protest to the upcoming story.

(Yellow Pearl and Blue Pearl's recount later)

"…THEY ALWAYS ASK US WHAT CAN YOU DO FOR US BUT NEVER ASK WHAT CAN WE DO FOR YOU!"

The two Pearls cried into each other's shoulders.

Aquamarine is rolling in fetal position. "…this isn't happening...this ISN'Thappening…"

"Poofing Lapis and cracking her gem?" Bismuth cried.

(Gets up) "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! I SET UP THIS GROUP SO AS TO PLOT AGAINST LAPIS AND STEVEN, BUT ALL I GET IS 6 FUCKING HOURS OF "SUPPORT TALK" AND WHEN SOMEONE FINALLY ADMITS TO HARMING ONE OF OUR TWO "COMMON ENEMIES" YOU SAY YOU REGRET IT! WELL BISMUTH, GOT ANYTHING ELSE TO ADD?!(brief pause)...wait…..NO….WAIT…..!"

(One final recount)

"I JUST WANNA GIVE LAPIS A HUUUUUUG!" Bismuth cried as the whole room aside from Aquamarine hugged her.

(Closes her remaining eye while pinching the spot between her eye sockets.) "Does anyone else, feel like leaving the group?" Aquamarine said while combatting a splitting headache.

With that, Bismuth, both Pearls and The Ruby Gang left the group. Having not accomplished a single, solitary thing all day, Aquamarine walked over to a wall, laid her forehead on the surface and stared at it.

"Say…. uh…. Aqua?..…Jasper, The Former Vikings and I all have some things to we need to do right now, but we still want to help you with your evil plan…..can we meet next week?" Connie asked, drying her eyes.

(Deep sigh) "Sure…whatever." Aquamarine said, not even bothering to turn around.  
________________________________________  
*Back to Steven and Lapis*

Despite Pearl's protests, the next few months were spent getting the wedding set up. Unable to find anything to use against Lapis, Pearl eventually caved in. Everything from location, food, suits/gowns, entertainment, finding a Priest as well as bridesmaids and groomsmen were top priority.

After a painfully long day of shopping for a wedding dress, Lapis and Steven were heading home from the mall. Things were nice and quiet, until they heard someone shout "STOP THE HATE: SAVE ANILINGUS!" through a megaphone, and the one wielding the Megaphone was Ruby.

Ruby and Sapphire are wearing pro-anal attire and are are driving a big float with two statues of themselves about to perform the gross act but built black censor bars where their mouths should be meeting their anus' that read "anti-anal bill".

"RUBY, SAPPHIRE, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!" Lapis and Steven both said at the same time.

"Haven't you guys heard? Dewey is Mayor again and signed a bill outlawing the beautiful act of Anilingus!" Ruby said while trying not to cry.

"But wait, I thought he lost to Nanefua Pizza during the season 5 election?" Lapis asked.

"True, and she vowed to protect Anilingus but after she won, President Trump was suspicious so he issued an investigation and as it turns out, Nanefua Pizza and her family used fake immigration papers to get into the United States. As a result, Trump had them all deported back to their home country Ghana, they're not even allowed to come back here! So with Dewey back in control, ANILINGUS IS GONE!" Sapphire explained as she cried into Ruby's arms.

"Whether it's work, play, sleep, and even binge-watching The Human Centipede Trilogy while eating each other's ass-chocolate every night, Anilingus is the center of our lives!" Ruby said while comforting Sapphire.

Upon hearing this, Lapis' eyes bulged as she put her hands over her mouth, ran into a park bathroom that was 12 ft. away, locked the door and violently upchucked into the toilet.

Steven wanted to kick Ruby and Sapphire's asses for making Lapis puke, but tried to remain civil. "Look guys (fighting the violent urge to beat their asses) as much as I don't like Dewey or Trump, this isn't such a good…"

"What do you mean? We have the right to protest!" Ruby replied.

"Yes, but you are fighting for an act that to be brutally honest, is one of the most reviled acts ever conceived and to do all of this in public, and especially where families gather is really counter-productive." Said Steven.

"Wait…I thought you were supportive of our favorite activity?" Sapphire asked all confused.

"Actually, Lapis and I hate it so much that we had trouble sleeping at night, didn't we Lapis?" Said Steven, to which Lapis nodded in agreement after heading back from the bathroom, she was staring daggers at the two little shits on the float.

(Through Megaphone) "ANAL-PHOBES, ANAL-PHOBES WE GOT OURSELVES SOME ANAL-PHOBES HERE!" Ruby yelled into Lapis' and Steven's faces, with zero regard of their eardrums.

Lapis wanted to drown the little anal fuckers but Steven stopped her, despite having similar urges.

"ANILINGUS WILL RETURN!" Ruby blared.

Just then several police officers were following two devastated parents and a traumatized boy who pointed at the two gems on the float and said "THEY'RE THEY ARE OFFICERS, THE ONES WHO PERFORMED THAT GROSS ACT IN FRONT OF ME WHILE I WAS PLAYING IN THE YARD!"

"OH NOES! FLOOR IT SAPPHIRE!" Ruby yelled.

Ruby and Sapphire's antics attracted half of the Beach City Police Department in a high-speed chase. Ruby started shooting fire bolts from her finger tips in hopes of scaring away the cops, all that did was allow for said cops to return fire, one of the shots hitting Ruby's left knee-cap.

"AAAAAHHHH FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!" Ruby screamed as she rolled on the float floor while holding on to her bloody knee.

(looks back at Ruby thus breaking the number one rule of driving: keep your eyes (or eye) on the road) "OH NO RUBY ARE YOU…?"

________________________________________  
*Children's Christian Hospital, 1ST floor*

Mayor Dewey is about to finish reading Noah's Ark from the Bible, to a room filled with terminally ill children aged 3-10 whose dying wish was to meet the mayor. Despite all the pain and suffering, the children were smiling as their dream was coming true. Dewey is at the part where Noah built an Alter for God.

Dewey reads. "The LORD smelled the pleasing aroma and said in his heart: "Never again will I curse the ground because of humans, even though every inclination of the human heart is evil from childhood. And never again will I destroy all living creatures, as I.."

Ruby and Sapphire's float smashes right through the wall and crashes into Mayor Dewey before the float finally stops. As the smoke cleared, Ruby and Sapphire saw that while none of the children were harmed, they started crying their eyes out. Right as Ruby and Sapphire were about to ask why, the two lovers froze as they found Mayor Dewey's exposed, bloody arm, still clenching the Bible, under their float.  
________________________________________  
*Town Hall Evening*

President Trump leaves Air-Force One and arrives at Beach City Town Hall to commemorate the town's former mayor. He is accompanied by Vice President Mike Pence.

"My fellow Americans, it is with a heavy heart I announce that today, we have lost a very special person to the evil that is Anilingus. As my long-time friend Mayor Bill Dewey was reading Noah's Ark to a room full of terminally ill children, two psychopaths, who had also exposed themselves to a young boy earlier, crashed their evil float through the room Bill was reading, and assassinated him. What was supposed to be a touching, final moment for these children, became one of anguish, horror and remorse, as their hero Mayor Dewey was murdered, right in front of them. That, was the children's final moment before they all past away, 10 minutes later from their illnesses. Bill Dewey was a hardworking single father whose wife of 10 years died from childbirth complications, leaving him to raise several children. The oldest Buck, a Navy SEAL who had returned from a dozen tours in Afghanistan, and wanted nothing more than to play baseball with his father, only to learn that he was killed. Bill was a man who never quit, after losing a rigged election to a woman called "Nanefua Pizza" who with her family, came to this country illegally, worked at a doughnut store. Had it not been for the investigation, Pizza and her family would have gotten away with it, and Dewey would never have been in office again. Bill Dewey also tried to remarry, but was rejected by numerous, unpatriotic individuals, one of whom, was a crystal gem named "Pearl." Despite this, Bill continued to work and successfully outlawed Anilignus. The two assassins were tried, found guilty, and sentenced to life at Guantanamo Bay. While denying that they had any ties to The Islamic State, they did however, admit that they wanted to spread their ideology to said terror group, in hopes of getting them to become "good guys." Anilingnus is a scourge that threatens our great country, family and friends. As your President, I will be meeting with several world leaders to put an end to the evil that is Anilingus. For his commitment to keeping Beach City's streets clean of the Anilingus threat, I award Bill Dewey with the Distinguished Medal of Honor. Thank you all, and God Bless Mayor Dewey."

________________________________________  
*Barn*

Steven and Lapis watch the whole speech and face-palm at how stupid Sapphire and Ruby acted today.

Just then another news report came which showed that upon being sentenced, Ruby was able to fuse with Sapphire and become Garnet. But right before Garnet could do anything, she said "….Why do I taste shit?" Upon being briefed on what happened, Garnet not only freaked out but for some strange reason was able to expel both Ruby and Sapphire without vanishing herself. Traumatized, Garnet fell on her back and cried heavily. While Sapphire and Ruby were sent to Guantanamo, Garnet was pardoned and treated by Connie's Mom who was 9 months pregnant with her next child.

As the news report was ending, Garnet walked into the barn.

"GARNET ARE YOU OK!?" Steven and Lapis asked.

"Yeah I'm fine now." Garnet replied.

"But we don't understand….How did you recover from what you learned during the trial?!" Lapis asked all confused.

"Because I'm Garnet." Answered Garnet.

"Okay." Lapis said.

"Makes sense." Steven replied.

Pearl and Amethyst then came to the barn and hugged Garnet.

A/N: Originally these were going to be 2 separate chapters but I decided to combine them. As of now, I am more than halfway done with this fanfic but don't you guys worry, it's only going to get better and better!


	8. Wedding/Honeymoon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis and Steven get Married and have a Honeymoon.

A/N: Well, here it is everyone, the big day for Lapis and Steven, the first half contains another special guest appearance, ENJOY THE SHOW! (2nd half of this chapter contains a LEMON scene)

________________________________________  
Chapter 8: The Wedding/Honeymoon

After several months of planning, the wedding day finally came, Greg was Best Man while Garnet was Maid of Honor. The location was a very nice church big enough to fit nearly a hundred guests. Still recovering from a massive bachelor party a few days prior (which consisted of a pig roast, beer and video games) Steven made sure no women were at the party so as to stay loyal to Lapis while she did the same.

(Pachelbel in D Major plays)

Lapis makes her way up to the alter, her wedding gown and veil unable to conceal her beauty and radiance. It takes every fiber of every man's being not to have a boner right then and there in the church. As if hypnotized, Steven couldn't take his eyes off of her. Upon reaching the alter, the music stops.

As the ceremony proceeds, the priest asks if anyone objects to this wedding, speak now or forever hold your peace.

Just then Jasper was about to object, she got stage fright and pussied out, running from the church like a crying bitch. With that interruption out of the way, Lapis and Steven did their "I do's".

"Then by the power invested in me I now pronounce you Husband and Wife, you may kiss the bride." Said the Priest.

Unable to hold back, the now Mr. and Mrs. Universe kissed, finalizing their marriage.

The whole church erupted into applause and tears of joy as Steven and Lapis made their way to the party shuttle. Having taken several funny/memorable wedding photos, the shuttle eventually made its way to the same Hotel Steven proposed to Lapis earlier. And despite there being a strict "NO PETS" rule, Steven was able to give the managers $3,000 under the table to look the other way as Pumpkin, Peridot and their puppies came along as well.  
________________________________________  
*Hotel*

As things were getting underway, a couple of rather rude, uninvited jerks, entered the dance room, clearly annoyed, those jerks, were DarkSyde Phil and Kat.

"DOOODE….What the fuck?! This room belongs to Kat and me! ACK, ACK, ACK!(clears throat)" DSP said as he shoved a piece of paper into Steven's face.

Maintaining his composure, Steven read the paper and responded to Phil's claims.

"Phil…it says that your wedding reception is across the street." Steven said as he pointed outside to a shitty, ghetto-looking hotel that needed to be condemned.

"PFFFT C'MON! (clears throat again) Look, if we switch rooms, I'll give you some free mints." DSP said as he tried to tempt Steven.

"You stole that shitty-ass idea from DASHCON, plus those mints are from this Hotel." Steven pointed out.

Phil went on the offensive "(SNORT) Look JEW, (poke's Steven's chest repeatedly) I happen to run several YouTube channels, am an OG on the internet with countless fans, made the hardest video games my bitches, plus I'm the best American player of SSFT at the EVO convention so cough up the room or I'll punch you in the mouth, cook your motherfucking BALLS, as your girl who looks like she was voiced by some Philippino broad and let's be honest might be a dude w…"

Steven then head-butted Phil, breaking the Pig-Roach's nose while Lapis slapped DSP w/ a water-hand, knocking out several of his teeth before he crashed to the ground.

"Everything you just said is just inflated BULLSHIT. (To Kat) Did you know that Phil dated his daughter Panda Lee?" Lapis asked.

"WHAT?!" Kat roared as she kicked Phil in the balls causing him to wail in pain, before throwing Phil her ring, (which turned out to be a cheap, plastic Wolverine ring from a cereal box) calls Phil a "pedo" and storms off to date Dcigs.

(wheeze) "….Kat…wait….bugged…..relationship…..mechanics…..doooode…(clears throat one final time)" DSP begged as he limped to follow her while his hands were on his crotch.

With Pig-Roach and Horse-Girl gone, Lapis and Steven could finally get the party started. The room was packed with guests who congratulated the Newlyweds and gave them their blessings. In the center of the room was a huge boar roast complete with an apple in its mouth. As Lapis and Steven announced they would be throwing the bouquet, everyone lined up to catch it. Facing away from the crown with her eyes closed, Lapis tossed the bouquet behind her like she was tossing a coin into a wishing fountain. Unfortunately, the bouquet hit Lars square in the eye as he was tackled by everyone else in group. Despite several injuries, Lars managed to hold onto the bouquet and impressed Sadie. When Steven and Lapis ran over to apologize, Lars stopped and thanked them as Sadie was tending to his injuries in a romantic way.

Steven and Lapis had their own special seats that over-looked everyone else's like a throne. As everyone else sat down, a surprise slideshow was playing. The presentation displayed Steven and Lapis' childhood photos as they grew up. (They consisted mainly of concept art from the T.V. show but to them, they saw first baby photos, first spaghetti dinners, elementary graduation pictures, etc.) There were also photos of when they started dating from the KFC dinner, to raising Peridot with the puppies she had with Pumpkin, Steven playing Piano for Lapis and even Steven with Lapis saving the wedding Party from DSP. (Turns out Garnet had secretly snapped those photos and put them into the slideshow because she's Garnet)

As dinner was wrapping up, the entertainment began. Each of Steven's 3 mothers made small playlists for Steven and Lapis' wedding.

Pearl's was Classical and started out with some Tony Bennet, Frank Sinatra and even some Tom Jones. All was well until she decided to add Tiny Tim's "Tip-Toe Through the Tulips" as her playlist's climax, which made everyone feel awkward.

Amethyst's Playlist Started off w/ Marc Anthony's "I Need to Know" which got everyone to dance again. Steven and Lapis (her custom dress allowed for the lower section of the gown to be swapped out for a smaller one for dancing) dominated the dance floor with their salsa moves that turned up the heat. The rest of Amythest's playlist involved some techno, disco and alternative music.

Just as Garnet was about to play her soundtrack, Steven was going to surprise Pearl and Greg with something he had been waiting to do since the author of this story came up with the idea 20 seconds ago. Steven concentrated really hard, causing his gem to glow and cause a clothed figure to emerge.

Greg and Pearl were on an outside balcony looking up to the moon, wishing that Rose was here.

"Hey guys turn around!" Said a familiar voice.

Upon turning around, Pearl and Greg were both shocked that Rose Quartz was back. After Steven explained everything over the next 5 minutes, Pearl became laid back and stopped acting like a total bitch.

*Back Inside*

Garnet's playlist started off w/ Five Finger Death Punch's "Wash It All Away", in which everyone was rocking out to it including Pearl. The rest of the playlist included Imagine Dragons, DMX, Toby Keith and even some Fits and Tantrums.

As the party was drawing to a close, everyone went to their respected hotel rooms, Rose shared her room with Greg and Pearl, Garnet shared with Amethyst(they got to watch over Peridot, Pumpkin and their puppies) and Steven carried Lapis to their own Suite.

________________________________________  
*Montego Bay*

The next day, Steven and Lapis flew to their Honeymoon in Montego Bay Jamaica where they enjoyed Reggae music, shark cage diving, shooting range with AK-47'S (Lapis needed an ice pack for her right shoulder due to the kick back, but still managed to shoot up an Osama bin Laden target), some weed (since weed is now legal in Jamaica) and overall had a great time despite being called "white devils" by Rastafarians.

________________________________________  
*Apartment*

Lapis dresses up like a slutty school-girl with edible panties while Steven dresses up as a Chad jock. As the two lovers start to roleplay, Santana and Rob Thomas' "Smooth" is playing in the background to keep the Rastas away. (Not racist if you are repelling those who are racist)

After a few cheesy, cringy lines that I won't be typing, Steven lifts Lapis up and lays her on the bed. Steven gently bites on the panties and pulls them down. He eats one half while feeding Lapis the other. As the lyric "Cuz you're so smooooooth" plays, Steven and Lapis go at it as if they're shooting an "X rated" scene. Being a Half-gem, Steven was able to modify his genitals to increase pleasure as Lapis was doing the same. Clothes were torn off, body parts were explored, and tongues danced. Steven was plowing Lapis as she wrapped her arms around his neck and legs around his waist.

"STEVEN UNIVERSE I FUCKING LOVE YOU!" Lapis yelled in ecstasy.

"AS DO I, LAPIS LAZULI UNIVERSE!" Steven replied as he buried his face into her enlarged tits.

Upon climaxing, Steven and Lapis still had enough energy to do the top 20 Kamasutra positions before falling asleep in each other's loving embrace.

A/N: I think my glasses are fogging up! Anyway, tune in next time for chapter 9!


	9. Good News?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis and Steven have some exhilarating news for everyone.

A/N: I wonder what the good news is?

Chapter 9: Good News?

________________________________________  
Several weeks after their Honeymoon, Steven and Lapis added a small house to the barn. Upon finishing said house, Steven and Lapis invited The Crystal Gems, Rose and Greg over to celebrate their marriage, new home and another surprise. Everyone was seated in the living room having white wine, except for Lapis who only had water.

"Say Lapis, why aren't you having any wine? I thought white wine was your favorite?" Greg questioned.

(Looks at Steven who gives her a nod of approval) "Well…..Steven and I have been married for several weeks and have been blessed with many gifts from God….and it turns out that we have another gift, and that gift is….WE'RE EXPECTING!" Lapis announced.

"OUR LITTLE STEVEN IS ALL GROWN UP!" Rose said with tears of joy in her eyes.

"THATA' BOY STEVEN!" Greg congratulated Steven.

"OH YEAH STEVEN!" Amethyst Replied.

(excited laugh) "I HAVEN'T BEEN THIS HAPPY SINCE YOU LEARNED HOW TO FUSE!" Garnet applauded.

Pearl was all. "Wow good job Steven, remember to proof read your homework and…" (The news hits Pearl causing her to stop, show a blank stare and faint)

Despite the faint, Pearl was actually glad that Steven and Lapis were expecting.

________________________________________  
As the months went by, Steven got a new job at a huge bank with a nice payroll and awesome coworkers. Steven would help Lapis around the house and barn as her belly continued to grow. After having an ultrasound performed by Connie's Mom (who had given birth to a son) Steven and Lapis would be expecting twins. The news was so great that Lapis and Steven kissed each other and thus both were over the moon. But with morning sicknesses to cravings along with mood swings, Lapis' pregnancy wasn't going to be all fun and games.

Steven was painting in what would be the baby's room as Lapis walked in to inspect her husband's work.

"Hey Steven, what are you painting?" Lapis asked.

"Oh hi Lapis, I'm going to paint a beach with an ocean. It'll be nice, soothing and tranquil." Steven answered.

"Uh…he….he….um Steven, I don't think a beach would be a good idea….why not a city, rain forest or better yet, outer space?" Lapis suggested.

Steven replied. "Hmmmmm…that's cool and all, but I think a beach would be much better…."

"GODDAMMIT STEVEN UNIVERSE YOU KNOW DAMN WELL THAT I FUCKING HATE WATER AND IF YOU PAINT SOMETHING THAT REMINDS ME OF THE FUCKING HELL I WENT THROUGH FROM THAT GOD-AWFUL JAIL-BREAK EPISODE ALL THE WAY UNTIL THAT SUPER WATERMELON ISLAND EPISODE, SO HELP ME I WILL TIE YOU TO A CHAIR AND FORCE YOU TO WATCH "THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL", ALL "A CLOCKWORK ORANGE" STYLE UNTIL YOU KNOW A FRACTION OF THE TORMENT REBECCA SUGAR PUT ME THROUGH!" Lapis roared.

Steven was so terrified that he dropped the paint brush.

"…..Steven….I…" Before she could finish, Lapis burst into tears. "I'M A TOTAL BITCH!" Lapis cried as she leans against a wall and slides down.

Steven walks over, sits next to Lapis and comforts her.

"Lapis it's okay, pregnancy isn't easy, but were going to be great parents, I promise." Steven said as he dried Lapis' tears, gently rubbed her belly with one hand, placed the other under Lapis' chin, pulls her close and kisses her lips.

________________________________________  
*Hill near the Barn*

Unbeknownst to the two lovers, Topaz and Aquamarine were spying on our heroes from a nearby hill dressed as a Doe with Topaz as the front and Aquamarine as the rear since she was smaller and had one eye.

"What do you see?" Aquamarine asked.

"You're not going to believe this but, Steven and Lapis are expecting twins." Topaz reported.

"My, my, my, this is an unexpected turn of events, it would be a shame if an ACCIDENT were to ever happen to their unborn children." Aquamarine laughed evilly with a cliche lightning flash and thunder crack in the background.

"Where's the stork?" Topaz asked all confused.

Aquamarine stopped laughing and paused. "…You can't be serious…."

"WHEN I WAS A BABY, MY MOMMY AND DADDY TOLD ME I WAS DELIVERED BY A STORK YET I DON'T SEE A STORK HERE, ALL I SEE IS STEVEN AND A FAT LAPIS!" Topaz complained.

"Because that's not where babies come from, idiot!" Aquamarine remarked.

Aquamarine then gave Topaz a quick rundown on where babies come from.

"MY LIFE IS A LIE!" Topaz cried out as he got out of the Doe disguise and ran away crying like a baby. Aquamarine was left in the rear-side of the costume.

"Could this day get any worse?" Aquamarine asked.

Just then a huge, Stag walked up to what he thought was a Doe in heat and mounted the rear end, things had indeed gotten worse.

"What the...Topaz? Is that…(gets mounted) wait what are you…?(banana in the bagel) AAAAAAAAAAGHGHGHGHGH WRONG HOLE, WRONG HOLE, WRONG HOLE! YOU'RE DOING IT ALL WRONG YOU WORTHLESS ROCK! REMEMBER I TOLD YOU NOT TO USE THAT HOLE DURING OUR STRESS-RELIEF SESSIONS!? (hears the Stag Grunting ) wait you're not Topaz you're… YOU'RE A STAG?! OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD! I SHOULDN'T BE ENJOYING THIS BECAUSE BESTIALITY IS ILLEGAL AND I COULD GET LOCKED UP AND…..Oh yeah shove your meat pole into my….NO NO NO …..make me your little Doe bitch….TOPAZ….let's make little Bambi's' together…I'M SORRY FOR EARLIER JUST HELP ME PLEASE!" Aquamarine screamed.

________________________________________  
*Steven's house*

"Steven you hear that?" Lapis asked all concerned.

"Yeah I hear it to, get behind me." Steven cautioned as he grabbed a rifle he got as a wedding present from Andy, loaded it, and led Lapis outside. Its times like this that Steven was glad he got a gun license.

As Steven switched the safety off, he slowly opened the door and aimed at whatever the noise was, only to lower his gun and switch the safety back on as he discovered the source of the weird sounds.

"Oh it's just some Stag who stuck it in the wrong hole of that Doe." Said Steven.

"Okay then. Come to think of it, I always thought deer were so stupid." Lapis replied.

"Yup, can't wait to get me some deer tags." Steven added as he unloaded his gun and brought Lapis back inside.

*Woods*

________________________________________  
Topaz is sitting on a rock crying his eyes out but hears Aquamarine's screaming. He gets up and knocks the Stag out as he finishes his load. Just then he hears what sounds like Aquamarine's voice coming from the Doe disguise saying "Thank you."

"OH NO YOU ATE AQUAMARINE! DON'T WORRY AQUA I'LL SAVE YOU!" Topaz said as he proceeded to pummel the "Doe" in an attempt to save Aquamarine, completely forgetting that it was all a disguise. Topaz then shoved his hand through the ass of the "Doe" and pulled Aquamarine out like how a farmer delivers a newborn calf.

Topaz was concerned for Aquamarine. "Aqua are you okay….?" Aquamarine kicks Topaz in the balls before he can finish.

"YOU MORON, I WAS STARTING TO ENJOY THAT!" Aquamarine roared as she ran to the downed Buck. "It's not fair, as repulsive as this sounds, that was the best sex…."

Just then the Stag regained consciousness, used its teeth to hoist Aquamarine by her underwear all wedgie style and ran off with her into the woods as she screamed in pain.

A/N: I hope that Buck didn't have that Zombie Deer Disease.


	10. Broken Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis and Steven Welcome their Children into the World.

A/N: Uh oh…. I hope Lapis can handle child-birth.

________________________________________  
Chapter 10: Broken Water

After painting the baby room walls like outer space, Steven and Lapis were invited to the Crystal Gem's home.  
*Crystal Gem Home*

Dripping noise under Lapis' birth canal.

"Uh guys, my water BROKE!" Lapis announced.

Steven sprang into action. "Okay, Lapis come with me, Garnet drive, Amethyst clean this mess up before…"

Pearl then walked into the room asking "Say have any of you guys seen my 50 Shades of Gray collector's DVD box….?" (Slips on Lapis' baby juice and cracks her head while knocking herself out at the same time.)

"…..Amethyst….. please clean up this mess, take Pearl and meet us at the hospital." Steven asked while face-palming.

"Right-O!" Amethyst saluted as she cleaned up the mess and brought Pearl to the same hospital Steven and Lapis checked into.

________________________________________  
*Delivery room hospital*

Lapis is in a hospital gown, sweating heavily, breathing hard and has tears streaming down her cheeks as she goes through several contractions, Steven is by her side.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHH!" Lapis cried out in pain.

"Don't worry Lapis, the doctor is on her way now." Steven said as he held Lapis' hands, only for her to squeeze them as she suffered another contraction. Realizing her mistake, Lapis lets go and apologizes as Steve starts rubbing his now sore hands.

Just then Connie's Mom walks into the delivery room and starts helping the young couple out, but hears loud crying from the other room.

"DR. MAHESWARAN, YOUR SON AARAV NEEDS YOU!" Said a young Nurse.

"DAMMIT NURSE, CAN'T YOU LOOK AFTER HIM?! I'M BUSY WITH A PATIENT!" Connie's Mom replied.

"HE HAS A HUGE MOMMY PHASE AND IS TRYING TO BREAK STUFF!" The Nurse informed Connie's Mom.

(GASP) "MY BABY HAS MOMMY PHASE?! THIS IS WONDERFUL! EVEN THAT SLUT CONNIE NEVER HAD A MOMMY PHASE! DON'T WORRY AARAV, MOMMY'S COMING!" Connie's Mom said as she shoved the younger Nurse aside along with some rather expensive equipment and sprinted to comfort her son Aarav, rather than bringing him into the operating room with her cuz now she abandoned both Lapis and Steven.

"…..Well that sucks….(Turns to Nurse) Say can you help us deliver?" Steven asked.

"Sure." The young nurse replied.

As her labor continued, Lapis had a very hard time breathing.

"I…..can't…..breath…." Lapis complained.

"Wait how can you not breathe?" Steven Asked.

"Too….hot….." Lapis said, pointing to her gown.

"Um Mrs. Universe, I know that you're in severe pain, but this hospital involves a strict dress code and….." The Nurse tried to explain.

"Must protect, our babies…...from.…. gown." Lapis as he reached for the collar of her hospital gown.

"Maybe we could get you some water or…?" The Nurse offered.

Using water from the sink, Lapis created two water tentacles so she could tear her gown off which revealed her pregnant and still very beautiful, naked body. Lapis' massive breasts were filled w/ milk and every breath she took would cause her perfect boobs to rise up and down. Her huge belly containing their children was visible along with the Water Gem's entrance that would bring said children into the world. For a very brief moment, the pain subsided.

"Phew…much better…..especially for the babies." Lapis said as she gently caressed her belly. (Turns attention to Nurse) "Still have any problems?" She asked the Nurse.

"Uh no not at all, how about you Mr. Universe?...Mr. Universe?" The Nurse questioned

(Stares at Lapis' beautiful body before snapping out of it) "What? Uh yeah no problem!" Steven answered while trying to conceal his hard-on.

________________________________________  
*Waiting Room*

Steven's Parents and Amethyst are sitting in the waiting room while listening to boring elevator music. Garnet is taking Pearl from her successful surgery back to the waiting room. Pearl needed a huge chunk of her front scalp be replaced with a sheet of metal and thus her head had to be shaved or else her hair would be shaped like Jason Alexander.

"Are you okay?" Steven's family asked.

"I'm fine….." Pearl said while trying to be optimistic. She then asked "How are Lapis and Steven?"

"We don't know yet." Said Greg.

"I just hope they're alright." Rose said all concerned.

"Look if anything, I bet the situation is going to be A-Okay." Pearl said with a smile.  
________________________________________  
*Delivery room*

"AAAAAAAAAAAGHGHGHGHGHGHG! IT FEELS LIKE MY FUCKING VAGINA IS TEARING WIDE-OPEN! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Lapis screamed out in agony at the top of her lungs, as she clenched onto Steven's left arm, to the point where it began to hurt.

"Okay, I see the head of the first baby, now push!" The Nurse instructed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Lapis cried out as she pushed.

After what seemed like endless hours of bloody wailing, sweating and contractions, the young couple was rewarded with the cries of their two babies: one boy and one girl.

Once the babies got all cleaned up and Lapis was given a new gown, Steven's family was allowed inside. Everyone was proud of the new couple who had become parents. The twins were a blue boy and a light girl: The girl would be named Grace while the son would be named Steven the 2nd.

Just then Dr. Maheswaran returned with her son in a tactical baby front carrier.

"Hey guys sorry about that, anyway…" Dr. Maheswaran stopped when she saw everyone glaring at her. "Uhhh….OH YOU HAVE TWO LITTLE ONES CONGRATS! (pulls out Camera) "OKAY EVERYONE SAY CHEESE!" (Snaps pic) The photo shows everyone giving Connie's Mom the finger.

After getting discharged from the Hospital, Steven and Lapis brought their 2 kids home. A couple weeks later, the babies had their baptisms: Greg and Rose were Steven the 2nd's Godparents while Lars and Sadie were Grace's Godparents. As all parents, Steven and Lapis had to tend to their children as they cried at night, sacrificing their sleep so that their children could sleep instead. Plus, Steven had to wait until the babies got their milk before he could have fun w/ Lapis' breasts. Despite the difficulties, Steven and Lapis felt complete.

A/N: Yup, Lapis and Steven are now parents! Two more chapters to go, what final challenges await our heroes? Find out tomorrow!


	11. FINAL SHOWDOWN!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> LAPIS AND STEVEN JOIN FORCES TO FIGHT THE EVIL SAPPHIRE AND HER LOLCOW FORCES!

A/N: Hey everyone here we are at the climax of the story! It's been a fun ride and while this is the climax, there's still one more chapter to go. Anyway enjoy the battle!

________________________________________  
Chapter 11: Final Showdown

*Some location that's in walking distance from The Barn House but still out of earshot*

The Minnesota Vikings (along with numerous die-hard super fans) were clad in armor and stood in a formation similar to that of the Urak-hai from LOTR The Two Towers being led by Connie who dressed as a fallen, slutty elf. Jasper was able to get testosterone patches that allowed her to grow her junk back and would serve as a commander. All of them stopped and looked up towards a hill and Topaz with an ice-pack over his junk standing next to the one-eyed Aquamarine who was now using the Stag that mounted her at the end of chapter 9 as her steed.

"For too many chapters, our suffering, humiliation and torment was without end, but now the two common (notices some people are about to interrupt) NEXT ONE TO INTERUPT ME HAS TO EAT TIN FOIL! (people don't interrupt) Good. Anyway our two common enemies are Lapis and Steven. We're a little short-handed since Bismuth, The Ruby Gang and The Diamonds won't help us, but I brought somebody along." Aquamarine announced as a shadowy figure arrives, and it turns out to be none other than DSP.

(Clears Throat) "EVENING ALIEN, LESBO-ROCK, BITCHES!" Phil said, causing his allies to cringe and Aquamarine to face-palm.  
________________________________________  
*Barn*  
Aquamarine's forces surround the barn. Steven pulls out a hunting rifle while Lapis pulls out a Glock and tell everyone to get off their property.

Only having swords and Shields, the Vikings think about retreating, only for Aquamarine to have them stand their ground.

"NO RETREAT! NOW WE'LL…...wait...where's Phil?" Aquamarine asked.

About a kilometer away, Phil in on his phone complaining to YouTube.

"LOOK DOOD, THOSE REVIEWS ARE MY INGREDIENTS!" Phil bitched as he was fighting a copyright complaint.

"Meh, who needs him?" Aquamarine asked rhetorically.

Then Aquamarine did the unthinkable, she fused with, Jasper, Topaz, Connie, The Vikings and even the Stag she was riding. Lapis and Steven's jaws dropped as the figure before them turned into a 150 ft. tall, centaur devil with demonic wings, a spiky tail and multiple eyes, each color taken from a rainbow. Despite looking so grotesque, the creature simply referred to itself as "The Demon". Steven and Lapis were too scared to say how stupid and lazy that name choice was.

The Demon inspected itself and admired its new look.

(Evil laugh) "Excellent! Now…the Children?" The Demon asked.

Lapis and Steven's paternal instincts kicked in as they opened fire on the monster, pumping round after round, only to cause the demon to laugh. Left with no other alternative, Steven and Lapis fused in a bright light that temporarily blinded the demon.

As the light dimmed, a 50 ft. fusion emerged that looked like an Angel mixed with an Atlantian, with 4 arms, shoulder length blue hair w/ black highlights, a huge pink shield on its back kind of like a sea turtle's in shape, 4 eyes, the upper row having black iris' while the bottom row were dark navy blue and shark-like teeth known as "Lapen."

"OVER OUR DEAD, FUSION BODY!" Lapen replied.

And with that, the battle commenced.

________________________________________  
The Demon launched a fire attack causing Lapen to use a water dome. Lapen counter attacked by throwing water-discs, several of them had cut huge gashes into The Demon's limbs. Frustrated, The Demon summoned 25 imps and ordered them to find and kill the babies while he healed. Lapen turned its attention to the Imps but was grabbed from behind by The Demon. The Imps were about to storm the house but were attacked by Pumpkin and Peridot as their puppies looked after Grace and Steven II. And to makes things even harder for the Imps, a new enemy had entered the fray, Bismuth.

Feeling bad for poofing Lapis earlier, Bismuth had cooked some "I'm Sorry" cupcakes for Lapis but was shocked at the battle taking place so she placed the cupcakes on a nearby tree stump, and rushed to fight the imps. Turning her limbs into blades, Bismuth cut through the hapless Imps row after and saved everyone in the Barn house. Just then another group of imps, bigger and stronger than the previous batch while numbering 100, charged at the rainbow gem. Just then Lyon showed up and started eating some of the imps. With each slash, stab and physical blow, the ground was littered with severed limbs, stabbed bodies and crushed skulls. Despite being outnumbered, Bismuth was able to slice, dice and crush the demonic minions.

Lapen and The Demon grappled one another in a vicious struggle. The Demon was physically stronger but Lapen was way more slippery, faster and more precise. Sensing the enemy's fatigue, Lapen delivered a volley of Bruce Lee- inspired punches, kicks and one flying kick, sending The Demon flying into the ground.

________________________________________  
(Inside The Demon)  
The Evil Gems were all injured from the battle and most of them thought about retreating and trying again sometime next week, but Aqua wouldn't have any of it

"FOOLS, IDIOTS, MORONS! PULL YOUR HEADS OUT OF EACH OTHER'S ASSES AND…. wait…is that Bismuth and Lyon?" Aquamarine said as she covered her bleeding forehead.

________________________________________  
(Outside Demon)

Bismuth then made eye contact with Lapen, smiled and started rode Lyon towards it.

Realizing what was happening, The Demon frantically tried to kill Bismuth but kept missing due to its depleted stamina and Lyon's athleticism.

"LAPIS I KNOW I POOFED YOU YEARS AGO AND I'M SORRY! REBECCA SUGAR MADE ME DO IT! NOW I'M GOING TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT AGAIN!" Bismuth said as she rode towards the friendly Fusion.

Not too far from the battle, Phil was looking for something to use as a weapon.

(Clears throat) "DOOD there's like no weapons here, what a shitty tutorial mission! (clears throat upon finding a rock) WOW A ROCK! LIKE THIS IS TOTALLY GOING TO HELP ME! Fuck you Kojima." Phil said all butt-hurt.

As Phil chucks the rock behind him, it lands in Lyon's path causing him to trip and send Bismuth falling hard.

Phil turns around and finds out that his rock made Bismuth trip as the Demon poofs Bismuth and Lyon.

"ACK, ACK, ACK! YUP I'M DA BEST AND EVERYONE ELSE SUCKS! BEST AMERICAN PLAYER OF SUPER STREET FIGHTER 2: TURBO AT THE EVO CONVENTION FOLKS! ACK, ACK, ACK!" Phil boasted before clearing his throat again as Lapen is horrified at Bismuth's poofing.

Lapen then cried out. "BISMUTH! LYON! NO….!" (feels sharp pain downstairs)

Seizing the opportunity, The Demon snuck behind Lapen and kicked the fusion right between the legs (which was Steven's weak spot). As the Good Fusion started to fall, the Demon continued its relentless assault: several blows to the gut, head and torso but also another kick below the belt. Now healed and filled with adrenaline, The Demon grabbed Lapen, lifted the fusion up in a show of strength, and tossed its opponent close to where DSP was standing. In another rare form of luck, Phil is able to dodge the incoming fusion. As the smoke cleared, Lapen is curled up in fetal position with its four arms between its legs. Out of all the injuries, the 2 low blows had to be the worst as they caused Lapis and Steven to lose concentration.  
________________________________________  
(Inside Lapen)  
"AAAAAAAAAAGH!" Steven cried out in pain.

"STEVEN OH MY GOD!" Lapis replied in a shocked state while trying to suppress her own pain. Being fused, Lapis and Steven could feel the other's anguish.

"IT HURTS…...SO FUCKING MUCH…MAKE IT ALL STOP!" Steven cried again.

"STEVEN, I KNOW BUT WE NEED TO CONCENTRATE! THE PAIN YOUR FEELING COULD CAUSE ME TO…OH GOD ITS LIKE MY LABOR PAINS!" Lapis cried out as she shared Steven's agony.

________________________________________  
(Outside Lapen)

Phil walks up to the wailing, downed, unstable fusion and taunts it with: "PFFFTTT ACK, ACK, ACK! PAYBACK FOR THE WEDDING! YOU TWO WENT DOWN LIKE A TRANNY KICKED IN THE BALLS! ACK, ACK, ACK! (clears throat) GETTING RID OF YOU GUYS WILL PUT MY YOUTUBE CAREER BACK ON…."

Refusing to give up, Lapen uses the last of its energy to form a water arm to grab DSP, fling him into The Demon's mouth and down his throat before defusing back into Lapis and Steven. While suffering from the pain, Lapis notices that Steven's pepper spray can from chapter 2 is inches away from her.

At first The Demon just swallowed Phil whole, chuckled and towered over the critically injured heroes while sporting an evil smile.

"Some fight you two put up, and now you (clears throat) will both watch as I (clears throat again) eat your (clears throat 3rd time) children!" The Demon said as he cleared his throat a 4th time. Just then The Demon stopped smiling.

"What's (snort) happening (snort) to (snort) me?!" The Demon questioned in a shocked/horrified way.

________________________________________  
(Inside Demon)  
"GUYS WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!" Aquamarine roared.

"WE HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE!" Connie replied along with the Vikings.

Just then a loud snort is heard causing everyone inside The Demon to turn around and discover the source of the noise. To everyone's horror: It happened to be none other than DarkSydePhil as he started another livestream.

DSP looks into the camera and says the following: (Clears Throat) "Hello Ladies & Gentleman and welcome to another episode of (snort) "DSP TRIES IT" I am streaming from inside the Demon so I'm going to help my friends murder Steven, Lapis, their two bratty kids and mangy pets! ACK, ACK, ACK! Also my tax day is coming up so if you guys could each donate $100 then I can pay my taxes and mortgages for both of my homes. (Clears throat)"

"Oh…poopy…." Was all Aquamarine could say.

________________________________________  
(Outside the Demon)

Just then The Demon's once ripped muscles, turned into body fat, the once sharp horns shrinking to small pimple-like stubs w/ a cockroach antenna poking out of each stub, its long black hair receded to the point where The Demon was balding, its small soul-patch turned into a greasy unkempt goatee, it's 4 stallion legs shrinking to two, short ones, its spiky tail turning into a fluffy poodle one, its wings becoming deep-fried chicken wings with BBQ sauce on top, developing a pig-nose but the worst was its junk shrinking down to the size of a single grape, causing The Demon's voice to go higher. Unable to maintain the Fusion any longer, The Demon un-fused.

"PHIL YOU ASSHAT!" Aquamarine yelled.

"WHAAAAAT?! I JOIN THE TEAM AND WE LOSE?! PFFFT COME ON!" Phil Bitched.

(pulls out her wand) "Look Steven and Lapis are still in serious pain, let's just finish them off and…." Before she could finish, a water-arm holding Steven's pepper spray can maced Aquamarine.

"AAAAAAAAGHHHH MY EYE! MY REMAINING EYE! I CAN'T SEE! I CAN'T... (trips over a branch and falls on her face, cracking her gem) WAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Aqua wailed as she rolled back and forth on the ground. To make matters worse, she also dropped her wand and broke it. Just then The Crystal Gems arrived with the police to arrest the bad guys while bringing ambulances for Lapis, Steven, their children and pets.  
________________________________________  
*Hospital*

Steven and Lapis are recovering in the hospital and are sharing the same room. Having abandoned them earlier, Mrs. Maheswaran's superiors were infuriated and demoted her from doctor to nurse and thus, she had to take care of the two lovers.

"…..Can I get you two anything?" Mrs. Maheswaran asked all tired from taking care of her son each night and angry over the fact she got demoted.

"Well…..there is that ONE THING…." Steven taunted.

"No….not that again….anything but THAT." Mrs. M begged.

Lapis replied with. "Oh well I guess we'll have to notify your superiors and…"

But before Lapis could finish, Mrs. Maheswaran said: "NO! I mean….no…..that won't be necessary….here…..(Dresses up in a life-sized Apu from The Simpsons costume you'd see at a theme park) "I am Apu Nahasapeemapetilon and welcome to the KWIK-I-MART!"

Lapis and Steven laughed at Mrs. Maheswaran's pain.

"Paging Nurse Priyanka Maheswaran: several police officers at the main desk are here to see you about your estranged, slut daughter Connie being associated w/ the antagonists of this fanfic. Your husband and son have also been notified." Said the intercom.

Steven and Lapis continued to laugh as Connie's Mom ran to the front desk sobbing while forgetting to change out of her Apu costume or going back to her actual voice.

________________________________________  
*Greg and Rose's home*

A couple weeks later Lapis and Steven got well and went home. Greg, Rose, Sadie and Lars looked after Grace and Steven II while our heroes were recovering. As it turns out, Greg informed Lapis and Steven that the children unlike Blue Diamond, could cause people to feel happy. When Lapis and Steven returned home, the two children were so over-joyed to be reunited with their parents that they created a smiley water face but after a few moments gave it hearts for eyes and levitated it into the air.

"AW ITS SO BEAUTIFUL!" Lapis said all Teary-eyed.

"ABSOLUTLEY! But…what water did the kids use though to make that smiley face?" Steven questioned.

At that moment, Kevin fell out of a bush holding a digital camera, he was dehydrated but laughing. It turns out that the children used the water in his body to make the smiley face and the hearts…..you'll see why.

"HA HA HA need water HA HA HA please HA HA HA!" Kevin laughed on the ground.

"But wait the water, feelings, hearts in the eyes, Kevin, Camera…" Steven stopped, walked up to Kevin and picked up his camera.

"HA, HA, STOP HA, HA…..water…. NO... HA, HA, HA, DON'T LOOK AT HA, HA…..water…..HA, HA, ….water….. HA, HA, THOSE PHOTOS ARE FOR…..water…ART... HA HA HA HA!" Kevin begged.

Upon looking at the photos(taken of unsuspecting children in parks, pools and beaches), the two parents glared at Kevin and started to fuse.

"Ha, ha, ha….water..…...hey why are you ha, ha, ha…water…ha, ha, ha fusing?" Kevin asked desperately.

Kevin is then treated at a police hospital wing, found guilty of creating, possessing and distribution of CP and sentenced to life behind bars.

Having saved not only their children but the other children of Beach City, President Trump holds a ceremony and personally awards Steven and Lapis each with a Medal of Honor.

________________________________________  
*Somewhere in Central America, several months later around Christmas Time*

Using her swords, Pearl manages to clear undergrowth, vines and even some small trees for a small village at the request of Rose. Upon being thanked by the locals, she is given a sombrero, fake mustache and a poncho. She thanks them all in Spanish, walks onto a nearby warp-pad (monitored by Trump's border patrol) and shows her papers but has to remove her fake mustache first. While this is going on, the portal malfunctions and sends her in anyway causing border patrol to issue a "red alert."

________________________________________  
*Barn House*

With the Kids in cribs and the pets in their warm kennel, Steven was lying on the king sized bed dressed like Santa Claus while Lapis, who dressed like a slutty version of Mrs. Claus performed a strip show to the song All I want for Christmas (No not the Mariah Carey song but rather the Vinny Vance & The Valiants song that came out in 1993, which predates Carey's song by ONE YEAR) Down to her hat and stockings, Lapis climbed onto their bed and sat on Steven's gut.

But before she could say or do anything seductive, the warp pad in their room started came to life and out popped Pearl who was still in her Mexican clothes, swords and speaking Spanish.

Lapis shrieked as she tried to cover her naked body as she tripped off of the bed. Thinking the intruder was a member of the Mexican Cartel, Steven then hit the intruder in the face with his pink shield, sending whomever it was onto the floor. Just then border patrol traced Pearl to the house and broke in through the front entrance, waking up the kids and pets. Upon discovering the misunderstanding, Pearl and the border patrol apologized, repaired the door and helped Lapis and Steven get the kids (along with the pets) back to sleep. Once everything was settled, Lapis and Steven unhooked the warp-pad before resuming their sexy time together. Tomorrow they would need to move it somewhere outside.

A/N: WHEW! That was a long one! 11 down and 1 to go! It's been a fun journey and the last chapter will be out soon!


	12. Epilogue???

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven returns home to Lapis and their children.

A/N: Here it is, the last chapter. It's been a fun ride and I have a special announcement in at the end of the fanfic.

Chapter 12: Epilogue

(6 years later)

*Bus stop near Barn House*

"Mom, Dad, why do we have to go to school?" Grace, now 6 years old asked her parents.

"Yeah why school?" Steven II. asked.

"Because education is vital for your growth and will make you smart." Lapis said.

"That and it will keep the government from …(sees Lapis giving him a serious look) I mean keep "The Boogeyman" from taking you away!" Steven rebounded, causing Lapis to smile at him.

"Oh….okay then!" Grace said.

"Boogeyman BAD, school GOOD!" Said Steven Jr.

The school bus arrives and is being driven by Connie's Mom after she got fired from the hospital 6 years ago.

(Sigh) "Alright…..hurry up and get on board you little shiiiii (sees its Lapis and Steven's kids) UH I MEAN "ANGELS!" YEAH HOP ON" Connie's Mom bullshitted her way out of a confrontation.

"BYE MOM, BYE DAD!" Grace and Steven Jr. both said as they waved to their parents on the bus.

"BYE KIDS!" Steven and Lapis said in unison and waved back.

Bus drives off.

"Nice rebound….. but Boogeyman?" Lapis questioned.

"Well I didn't want to scare them too much." Steven answered.

"Touché." Lapis replied.

Steven then heads to work while Lapis tends the house.

*Later that day*

After finishing his bank shift, Steven returns home and is greeted by Peridot and Pumpkin. The puppies had grown up and were sent to live with Steven's parents. Steven and Greg would make sure to face time so the pets could see each other every weekend.

Grace and Steven II run up and hug their father as he heads into the kitchen, almost knocking him down.

"OOOF! YOU TWO SHOULD BE IN THE NFL!" Steven joked as he and his kids laughed.

"DAD WE GOT TO LEARN ABOUT KITTENS TODAY!" Grace said.

"AND WE ALSO GOT TO LEARN ABOUT DINOSAURS!" Steven Jr. added.

"THAT'S AMAZING!" Steven said.

Steven gets up as Lapis greets and pecks him on the lips, causing the kids to be all "ew."

As the family was eating dinner while watching T.V. an important news announcement came up.

"THIS IS SARDONYX OF BEACH CITY NEWS REPORTING TO YOU LIVE FROM BILL DEWEY ELEMENTARY SCHOOL!" Sardonyx said. "It appears that escaped convict Kevin was attempting to set up hidden cameras outside of the school while dressed up as a "boogeyman" has been recaptured by authorities. Known as a menace to children, Kevin is currently being transferred to the most dangerous prison in the U.S., ADX Florence Facility in Florence Colorado. No children were photographed or harmed during the arrest, and security is to be heightened at Bill Dewey Elementary school, THIS IS Sardonyx from Beach City News signing off…."(Thinks Camera is off) "I Hope that F(BEEP)CKER drops the soap." (Notices Camera is still on) "Oh SH(BEEP)T!" Just then a technical difficulty card comes up.

"YAY THE BOOGEYMAN IS GONE! DOES THIS MEAN WE DON'T HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL ANYMORE?" Grace asked.

"NO MORE SCHOOL?" Steven II asked as well.

"Nope, you two are going until you graduate senior year." Steven said.

"And that includes COLLEGE." Lapis added.

"Aw nuts!" The kids said at the same time.

*Epilogue*

After Aquamarine's left eye recovered, she was sentenced to life at Ryker's Island Prison, the Stag is her cellmate. Having become a Furry herself, Aquamarine earned the name "Blue-Fawned-Hoe" by the inmates and staff. Aqua and The Stag's offspring are served as dinner. Due to her cracked Gem, she's lost the ability to fly.

Topaz was given a 25-year sentence to a Maximum Security Prison in Georgia and made an appearance on the show "Beyond Scared Straight." Upon being released, he found work at a car factory in Detroit Michigan as a crash test dummy.

Jasper was sentenced to life at the all-male Kansas Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary. Without any testosterone patches, Jasper's junk vanished once again and had to live in the alternative lifestyle section of the prison. He/she was cellmates with the angry trans criminal who would go on to have a temper tantrum at a Gamestop for being called "Sir" instead of "Ma'am."

The Minnesota Vikings had to do 6 months of community service, register as sex-offenders and had to be monitored by Law Enforcement. They are the laughingstock of the NFL.

Connie had to serve 6 months in Beach City Jail but was transferred to Delmarva state jail after serving 3 for getting into a fight with another inmate. Upon finishing her sentence, Connie sold most of what she had, rented an apartment, had a nose job, bought a webcam and grow up to become adult star Mia Khalifa.

Bismuth was un-poofed by Lapis and Steven. In return, she babysits their children and walks Peridot with Pumpkin. She also looks after Lyon

Lyon would live with Bismuth.

Pumpkin and Peridot were able to spend a weekend at Empire City's Pet Paradise Hotel for Pets. Since they enjoyed their stay at the hotel, the pets got a timeshare.

Having exposed themselves to numerous, preventable illnesses had they not performed Anilingus, Ruby and Sapphire died halfway through their incarceration at Guantanamo Bay.

Buck would follow in his father's footsteps and become the next Mayor of Beach City.

Kevin got all his teeth knocked out and was made into everyone's flesh-light bitch at ADX Florence Facility.

While she was fired by Beach City News, Sardonyx (having learned how to operate independently thanks to Garnet) got her own comedy talk show in Empire City called "SARDONYX GONE LIVE!" rated TV-M.

Amethyst would go on to win several food eating contests before landing on the hit show "My 600 Pound Life."

Garnet continued being Garnet.

In a rare form of kindness from the author, Pearl got to move in with Greg and Rose Quartz. She gets to have threesomes with them all the time and is no longer a stuck-up, total bitch.

Lars and Sadie got married, purchased the Big Donut and had a baby son, Steven and Lapis are the Godparents. They had a merger w/ Mr. Fryman's Beach City-Walk Fries thus becoming The Big Fry Donut. The Fry-Donuts became a fan favorite and draws tourism.

Mr. and Mrs. Mahswaren's son Aarav grew up to be a scientist, but won the Nobel Prize for getting rid of Social Justice. As a result, he redeemed his family's name.

After finding out that Kevin had ties to the Diamonds, Trump ordered that Home-world be nuked. Having not been on the planet at the time, Yellow Pearl and Blue Pearl joined the Ruby Gang and became space pirates. Their current whereabouts are unknown.

Unable to pay his taxes, DarkSyde Phil lost both of his homes and is now a bum in Beach City. He gets donations from tourists as they take photos with him. But rather than use the money to get back home and move into his parents' house, he spends what little he has on arcade games he's terrible at.

Nanefua Pizza and her whole family were arrested by the GAF (Ghana Armed Forces) after an anonymous tip was sent to the police about the Pizza residence being a secret drug lab that would manufacture/distribute Cocaine, Opium, Heroin, Crack and Crystal Meth. The Trial is still ongoing and has become a major part in fighting Ghana's drug war if not the War on Drugs as a whole.

Trump would go on to win a 2nd term.

Grace and Steven Jr. grew up to be great people and defenders of Beach City.

Lapis and Steven would have a few more children, land numerous interviews and even sold the movie rights to Steven Spielberg and Colin Trevorrow who in turn, released "LAPEN: THE MOVIE" which would go on to win several Academy Awards including Best Picture and become the highest grossing film of 2021 with $1,050,000,000 at the box office with a $70,000,000 budget. As part of the contract, Lapis and Steven had access to royalties so they were loaded and famous. Despite this, they never let fame or fortune get to their heads, so they dedicated their lives to their children, family and friends. Finally, Steven would become President of the United States, Lapis would be the 1st Lady and Peedee Fryman would be Vice President.

Steven and Lapis lived Happily Ever After, even beyond the grave.

The End.

Post Credit Scene:

Steven is sucking on Lapis' huge, perfect tits on their king bed but stops to ask a question.

"Hey Lapis, how do you think Rebecca Sugar will react to our adventure?" Steven questioned.

"To be honest Steven, I have no idea." Said Lapis.

"Fair point." Steven Said, as he resumes sucking on Lapis' tits which causes the water gem to close her eyes, relax and smile.

*Beach City Hospital.*

Rebecca Sugar wakes up and is greeted by her partner Ian Jones-Quartey and some nurse.

"Oh Rebecca it's great to have you back!" Ian said as he kissed her hand.

"…. Ian…. Nurse…...what's going on?" Rebecca asked all confused.

"Hello Ms. Sugar, you've been in a coma since you overworked yourself by finishing the season 5 finale "Change Your Mind." Said The Nurse.

"Oh Boy! I can't wait to see Jasper, Aquamarine, Topaz, Kevin, The Minnesota Vikings, Beach City under Nanefua Pizza, The Big Donut under Dewey, Peridot not being a furry with Pumpkin as her mate, Ruby/Sapphire's marriage, Trump being nowhere in my universe and overall: Connie and Steven's relationship while Lapis Lazuli is all miserable! THIS IS GOING TO BE SO COOL!" Rebecca said all over-joyed.

"Oh…uh yeah about that…." Ian tried to explain with his hand scratching the back his head.

"No, no, no! Thanks but no SPOILERS! I want to see this all for myself!" Rebecca said as she got up, checked out of the Hospital, walked outside and saw everything that changed while she was gone. Ian wanted to intervene but the Nurse put her hand on his shoulder and shook her head.

(Rebecca sees every change that has happened in this fanfic)

"...…NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Rebecca Sugar Cried out.

The End for real this time.

A/N: I personally want to thank everyone who took the time to read my fanfic. Reviews are still very much appreciated so feel free to review-away! Also, I'm going to be making more Fanfics: some SU related, most however will be from different properties. Anyway, I'll keep you all posted as to w


End file.
